Cause And Solution

Band 7+: Being overweight has become a major health concern in many parts of the world. Explain the causes for being overweight and provide solutions.

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In recent years, obesity has become a serious global health problem across all ages. It affects people of all backgrounds and risks the occurrence of many diseases. This essay will discuss the causes of this problem and suggest some effective solutions to reduce it.

There are several reasons why obesity is increasing worldwide. Firstly, unhealthy eating habits play a significant role in this issue. Many people tend to prefer several kinds of junk food instead of healthy food as their staple foods in daily life. Junk food provides high calories and low nutrients, and it is also easily available in many markets. Another reason behind this problem is the lack of people’s awareness regarding exercise. In the modern era, many people tend to spend long hours sitting at desks, watching TV, and playing video games, which allows them less time to work out, causing an increase in disease risks. For example, people who work in companies have no time to exercise because of their tasks, causing the risk of obesity.

To solve this problem, individuals and governments need to take effective actions. To begin with, individuals should enforce a healthy lifestyle by limiting junk food and preferring healthy food. On the other side, governments should implement regulations for stakeholders by promoting healthy food over junk food in supermarkets. Moreover, they should also provide more public spaces for society, which allows them to exercise more, as well as organize events and campaigns to increase awareness of the importance of a healthy lifestyle. For instance, Jakarta’s government enforces car-free days on Sundays where there are sporting activities, encouraging society to exercise more, such as walking and running, instead of only watching TV or sleeping in their homes.

In conclusion, obesity is caused by several factors, in which unhealthy eating habits and the lack of awareness regarding working out play a significant role in this issue. It can only be reduced by combined efforts between society and the government, which will allow people to avoid the risk of obesity.

Word Count: 336

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Overall Band Score

7.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

people: 5

healthy: 5

obesity: 4

problem: 4

exercise: 4

which: 4

several: 3

their: 3

awareness: 3

should: 3

society: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. The candidate provides a clear explanation of the causes (unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle) and offers logical, well-developed solutions (individual lifestyle changes and government intervention). The position is consistent throughout the response, and the ideas are supported with relevant examples, such as the mention of Jakarta's car-free days. The progression of ideas is logical, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. To maintain this high standard, ensure that the transition between the causes and solutions remains seamless, though in this instance, it was handled very well.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay is well-organized and follows a logical progression. The introduction clearly states the purpose, and the body paragraphs are divided into causes and solutions, which makes the message easy to follow. Cohesive devices like 'Firstly', 'Another reason', and 'To begin with' are used effectively to guide the reader. To reach a higher level, try to use more sophisticated transitions that avoid a slightly formulaic structure, and ensure that the connection between sentences within a paragraph flows even more naturally without relying heavily on standard linking words.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is appropriate and accurate for the topic, with terms like 'staple foods', 'implement regulations', and 'stakeholders' showing good range. However, there is some repetition of certain words, such as 'healthy food', 'junk food', and 'exercise'. To improve, try to use more varied synonyms (e.g., 'nutritious meals' instead of 'healthy food', or 'physical activity' instead of 'exercise') and more precise academic collocations to demonstrate a more sophisticated control of the language. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. Most sentences are error-free and convey meaning clearly. There are minor issues with phrasing and word choice (e.g., 'enforce a healthy lifestyle' might be better expressed as 'adopt a healthy lifestyle'). To improve, focus on refining your use of articles and prepositions, and aim for more variety in your grammatical structures to ensure a smoother, more natural flow of ideas.

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