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Band 5+: The increasing availability of personalized medicine promises to tailor treatments to an individual's genetic makeup. What are the potential benefits and ethical concerns surrounding personalized medicine? How might it change healthcare in the future?

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Some people argue that using personalized medicine is more beneficial for individual who are seeking effective treatments while, some other people believe that there are risk involved using personalized medicine. I firmly believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are several beneficial reasons which makes a person choose personalized medicine. Firstly, lots of people feel shy to discuss about their personal medical problems which they are facing. In other words, person maybe suffering from a condition in which he feels embarrassed about telling local hospital doctors of their medical conditions which they are suffering from. For example, A person maybe be suffering from HIV, aids or swelling in their private parts of their body he or she will feel ashamed in telling to doctors or family about their conditions. So having a personalized medicine will help them to hide these problems without needing to worry about being judged by others. Secondly, if any ancestor had any medical or chronic diseases which they had faced during their lifespan it will be for the descendent to know about it and will get the required help and also allow them to get proper medication in time and stop chronic diseases to advance. Furthermore, Having personalized medicine will enhance the chance of survival for the patient. As a result, he will be saved on time and the person will remain healthy.

On the other hand, there are several drawbacks to this development. People are afraid that using personalized medicine could get their data leaked to the public by hackers or any bugs in the system their reputation will get ruined front of millions of people including their families and their loved ones. In addition, a lot of people believe that incase of any emergency, any in quarriable and very rare diseases government wouldn’t give them any help to these people as they would deem them as a liability to the society and waste of resources.

In conclusion, I believe that advantages are more beneficial to the society and the disadvantages are outweighed by the advantages.

Word Count: 346

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 10

people: 7

personalized: 6

medicine: 6

which: 5

about: 5

believe: 4

person: 4

using: 3

beneficial: 3

other: 3

there: 3

advantages: 3

medical: 3

suffering: 3

diseases: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of personalized medicine and presenting a clear position. However, the ideas presented lack clarity and sufficient development. For example, the discussion of privacy concerns and government assistance could be more specific and detailed. To improve, focus on providing more concrete examples and elaborating on the potential consequences of each point. Also, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that the ideas are logically connected.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay demonstrates an attempt to organize ideas into paragraphs, but the connections between sentences and ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened. Transitions between paragraphs are present but somewhat basic. Consider using more sophisticated linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your writing. For example, in the second paragraph, the connection between feeling shy and choosing personalized medicine could be made more explicit. In the third paragraph, the essay would benefit from a clearer explanation of how personalized medicine helps descendants know about ancestral diseases.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but some word choices are not entirely accurate or natural ('in quarriable and very rare diseases'). There are also instances of repetition ('medical conditions,' 'personalized medicine'). Try to use synonyms and a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely. For example, instead of 'lots of people feel shy,' you could use 'many individuals are hesitant.' Also, avoid informal language. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are noticeable grammatical errors that affect clarity. Common errors include incorrect verb tenses ('ancestor had any medical or chronic diseases which they had faced'), subject-verb agreement ('advantages is more beneficial'), and article usage ('the individual'). Pay closer attention to these areas and proofread carefully to minimize errors. Also, avoid run-on sentences.

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