Opinion

Band 5+: Some people believe that mobile phones have improved communication, while others think that they have made people less social.

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In this digital age, there is an ongoing debate on smartphones whether it has positive or negative impact. Some people argue that it has enhanced the way we connect, while others believe that phones reduced the in-person meetings and social skills of everyone, making them less social. This essay will explore both perspective before giving personal opinion.

Proponent of smartphones shows its advantages due to several reasons. Enhanced communication is major advantage of mobile phones. Individuals can communicate with family, friends, and relatives regardless of distance. Immediate and convenient connection is possible through video calls, emails, messages, and social media. For instance, Students who are living in abroad for studies, enabling to contact their family at anytime through Whatsapp. Additionally, another significant factor is that it provide immediate access to information and any kind of breaking news, as well as use of social media apps for many purposes such as banking, online shopping, and networking and recreation.

Conversely, mobile phones has created several concerns. One of the major disadvantages is lack of social skills and interaction in individuals. Mostly Young generation encourageds online interaction in place of face-to-face meeting.Furthermore, it also leads to data breaches and cyber-bullying, although people waste their time due to distractions and multitasking. For example, if a person open mobile phone to give reply to someone like client or family member, despite it he started scrolling tik tok or Instagram.

In my opinion, although mobile-phone had benefited us in communication and access to information, its negative consequences cannot be ignored. Concerns related to misleading, privacy and security issues, and social skills must be acknowledged and treated.

In conclusion, while there advantages of smartphones such as improved connectivity and access to information, its disadvantages – especially data loss, distraction, and cyberbullying – are more crucial. However, if these issues can be solved So, social media is the best place to spend time.

Word Count: 315

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

social: 7

smartphones: 3

phones: 3

skills: 3

mobile: 3

family: 3

media: 3

access: 3

information: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt, discussing both positive and negative effects of mobile phones on communication and sociability, and presents a clear position. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited and lacks precision. For example, the advantages are listed but not fully explained, and the disadvantages include unrelated issues like data breaches and cyberbullying, which are not directly tied to the social aspect. The conclusion introduces a new idea about social media being the best place to spend time, which is not supported in the body. To improve, focus on developing each point with specific examples and ensure all content is directly relevant to the prompt. Also, refine the conclusion to summarize the main arguments and restate your position clearly.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, and the overall argument is easy to follow. However, there are some issues with paragraphing and the use of cohesive devices. For example, the first body paragraph is quite long and could be split into two separate paragraphs to improve readability. Additionally, the use of linking words is sometimes repetitive or awkward (e.g., 'Additionally, another significant factor is that...'). The conclusion could be more effective by summarizing the main points more clearly and avoiding the abrupt final sentence. To improve, focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a reasonable range of vocabulary, including some topic-specific terms like 'enhanced communication', 'in-person meetings', and 'cyber-bullying'. However, there are several instances of imprecise word choice and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'Proponent of smartphones shows its advantages', 'encourageds online interaction', 'despite it he started scrolling'). The essay would benefit from more precise and natural vocabulary, as well as better collocations (e.g., 'improved connectivity' instead of 'improved communication'). To improve, expand your vocabulary and practice using words in the correct context, and avoid repetition of common words like 'advantages' and 'disadvantages'.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains a number of grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy. There are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'mobile phones has created', 'it provide'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'encourageds', 'open' instead of 'opens'), and missing articles (e.g., 'a major advantage', 'the negative consequences'). Additionally, there are some awkward sentence structures and punctuation errors (e.g., 'For instance, Students who are living in abroad for studies, enabling to contact their family at anytime through Whatsapp.'). To improve, focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and article usage. Also, practice writing more complex sentences with correct punctuation to enhance clarity.

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