Discussion

Band 5+: some people think that all schools should require children to learn how to play a musical instrument. other believe that music si a waste of time and that schools should focus on more useful subjects such as science and math discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Some individuals consider that children should be required to learn a musical instrument in school, while others believe this is a waste of time and resources. Both of these arguments have a positive idea however, i think that learning musical instrument from school is better.

On the one hand, some people consider that chidren should be required to learn musical instrument in school. There are a lot of reasons why they believe to this idea. The first reason it gives them opportunity to be well known person among their friends. For instance a lot of people who can play musical instrument is known in university because they play in the exhibition which is often conducted by university. The second reason it improves discipline of school students because it is argued that learning a musical intrument is made people well disciplined.

On the other hand, individuals believe this is a waste of time and resources. There are also a lot of reasons. Firstly, some people give up to play at musical instrument and it leads to waste of their time. For example many people tend to give up to play at musical instrument after school because time is limited for playing. Secondly, some school students do not have a inspiration to learn musical intrument at school. It is argued that students should have desire to learn. Statistics show that sudents tend to go to learn musical instruments because it impacts to their marks at school.

I believe that children should be required to learn a musical instrument in school is waste of time but i consider that children should be required to learn a musical instrument in school is better idea.

Word Count: 280

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

musical: 11

school: 9

instrument: 8

learn: 7

should: 5

people: 5

required: 4

believe: 4

waste: 4

because: 4

consider: 3

children: 3

their: 3

students: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both views and presents a position, but the development is limited and sometimes unclear. The main ideas are relevant but lack depth and are not well supported with specific examples or logical reasoning. There are also issues with coherence and clarity, particularly in the conclusion where the position is contradictory. To improve, focus on developing each point with clear explanations and relevant examples, ensure the position is consistent throughout, and work on organizing ideas more logically.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but the flow is often disrupted by unclear referencing and abrupt transitions. The introduction presents both views and the writer's opinion, but the opinion is repeated and contradictory in the conclusion. The body paragraphs present ideas, but the connection between sentences and ideas could be smoother. Use more cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore', 'In contrast', 'As a result') to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the conclusion clearly summarizes the discussion and restates your opinion without contradiction.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition (e.g., 'musical instrument', 'school students') and informal phrasing (e.g., 'a lot of reasons', 'well known person'). There are also some word choice errors (e.g., 'intrument' for 'instrument', 'inspiration' for 'motivation', 'impacts to' for 'affects'). To improve, expand your vocabulary with more precise and academic terms (e.g., 'compulsory', 'beneficial', 'detrimental', 'cultivate discipline', 'foster creativity'). Avoid repetition by using synonyms and paraphrasing. Also, ensure correct spelling and word forms. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that affect clarity, including subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'it gives them opportunity' should be 'it gives them the opportunity'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'is made people' should be 'makes people'), and missing articles (e.g., 'a musical instrument' is sometimes missing 'a'). There are also run-on sentences and punctuation issues. The range of sentence structures is limited, with many simple and repetitive patterns. To improve, practice using a variety of complex structures (e.g., conditional sentences, relative clauses) and ensure subject-verb agreement and correct use of articles. Proofread carefully to correct spelling and punctuation errors.

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