Opinion

Band 4+: Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the contemporary health-conscious life style, some people believe that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be harmful for people’s health. However, I strongly agree with this view because such products can damage person’s heath and have poor nutritional value.

The products that are scientifically proven bad should be banned from shops because they are harmful to human health. For example, if a person consumes bad food or drinks that are scientifically tested such as excessive sugar, unhealthy fats and high level of salts, may leads to serious health problems such as allergies, diabetes, obesity, and heart diseases like atherosclerosis. However, people should avoid using such items.

On the other hand, these food lack essential nutrients such as vitamins, minerals and have poor nutritional value. For example, regularly consuming such food with low nutritional value may lead to several deficiencies like iron, vitamin B12, calcium and magnesium deficiency, weak bones and tooth problems. Furthermore, such food may contain high in calories but have low protein content. As a result, this will lead to malnutrition in human.

In conclusion, government and shops should ban scientifically proven food and drinks because they lead to harmful effects on human health and have poor nutritional value. However, I strongly agree with this view.

Word Count: 218

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

should: 4

scientifically: 4

health: 4

nutritional: 4

shops: 3

drinks: 3

proven: 3

harmful: 3

however: 3

because: 3

value: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position that is maintained throughout the response. The main ideas - health risks and lack of nutritional value - are relevant to the topic. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the first body paragraph essentially repeats the idea of 'harmful health effects' without expanding deeply into the societal or practical implications of a ban. Additionally, some sentences are grammatically awkward or redundant (e.g., the final sentence of the introduction and the final sentence of the conclusion repeat the thesis statement almost verbatim). To improve, try to extend your arguments by discussing the implications of the proposed ban (e.g., the role of government regulation versus personal freedom) to provide a more nuanced response. Ensure that each paragraph introduces a distinct supporting point rather than circling back to the same concept. Work on sentence structure to avoid repetitive phrasing and ensure smoother transitions between ideas. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is somewhat repetitive. For instance, the conclusion repeats the thesis statement almost verbatim, which does not add new value to the discussion. To improve, focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and transition signals to link ideas more smoothly. Ensure that each paragraph develops a single, distinct idea without circular reasoning.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is functional but quite limited and repetitive. Words like 'bad', 'harmful', and 'poor nutritional value' are used multiple times. To reach a higher band, try to use more precise synonyms and academic collocations. For example, instead of 'bad food', you could use 'unhealthy processed foods' or 'nutritionally deficient products'. Additionally, be careful with word forms, such as using 'human health' instead of 'human' in certain contexts. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are several grammatical issues that hinder the flow of the essay. There are errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'may leads' should be 'may lead') and sentence structure (e.g., the sentence starting with 'For example, if a person consumes...' is a fragment that lacks a main clause). There are also issues with article usage and noun forms (e.g., 'damage person's heath' should be 'damage a person's health'). Work on mastering complex sentence structures and ensuring that every sentence has a clear subject and predicate.

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