Positive And Negative

Band 6+: Today, many people us the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

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In the modern era, more and more people are starting to use the mobile phones to send money to friends. I believe this is a desirable change.

This trend, however, has several drawbacks. One of the main negative effect of using the internet to transfer money is that there is a high risk of scamming. There are plenty of applications for sending money, but some of them are have not passed security checks or been proved by governments. These unapproved applications might not work properly during a process of transferring money. Thereby, when people use these applications to transfer money, they might be scammed and lose money. Another negative impact of using digital payments is that sometimes a technical failure might occur. Different technical issues might occur for various reasons, but it mainly happens due to poor internet connection. When the internet connection is getting worse during a process, the process of transmitting money can easily break down. Therefore, money transfers may be delayed or fail.

Despite this, I tend to view this development positively. I believe that transferring money through smartphones is highly convenient. Basically, when people tend to use physical banks to send money to friends or family, they have to go out and then they are able to transfer money. In contrast, using digital payments allow individuals to stay home and send money anywhere they want. As a consequence, individuals do not need to spend a lot of time to transfer money to their relatives and businesses. Another key positive development of using mobile phones to transfer money is their high level of accessibility. Most of the online digital services are available around the clock everyday. It means that individuals do not have to adjust to bank schedule works. As a result, people are able to transfer money to their friends and family whenever they want. For example, those who live in another country but need to send money to their family, they can send through digital application without meeting in a real life.

In conclusion, transferring money can have some negative effects such as a high risk of scamming and occurring a technical failure during a process. Yet, I believe that transferring money is very convenient and accessible for individuals.

Word Count: 374

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Overall Band Score

6.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

money: 18

transfer: 6

people: 4

using: 4

might: 4

process: 4

transferring: 4

digital: 4

individuals: 4

their: 4

friends: 3

believe: 3

negative: 3

internet: 3

applications: 3

during: 3

another: 3

technical: 3

family: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, but the development of ideas could be more focused and precise. The structure is logical, with separate paragraphs for drawbacks and benefits, and a conclusion that restates the position. However, the supporting points are sometimes general and could be strengthened with more specific examples or deeper analysis. Additionally, there are minor lapses in clarity and expression, such as 'are have not passed' and 'bank schedule works.' To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all ideas are fully extended and supported.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The ideas are logically presented, and the use of cohesive devices (e.g., 'However', 'Despite this', 'As a result') helps the reader follow the argument. However, there are minor lapses in cohesion, such as the abrupt shift from the drawbacks to the positive view in the third paragraph. Additionally, the conclusion could be more concise and directly restate the main points. Overall, the paragraphing is managed well, but there is room for smoother transitions.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of terms like 'desirable change', 'scamming', 'technical failure', 'convenient', and 'accessibility'. There is some repetition (e.g., 'transfer money' appears frequently), and a few word choices are slightly awkward (e.g., 'proved by governments' could be 'approved by governments', 'bank schedule works' could be 'bank working hours'). The vocabulary is generally accurate and appropriate, but more sophisticated and varied expressions would enhance the lexical resource. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity. For example, 'some of them are have not passed' should be 'some of them have not passed', 'using digital payments allow' should be 'using digital payments allows', and 'without meeting in a real life' should be 'without meeting in real life'. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage. While the errors do not severely impede understanding, they are noticeable and would benefit from careful proofreading. Improving grammatical accuracy would significantly raise the score.

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