Opinion

Band 4+: 3. Some believe that people should not continue to work once they reach the age of retirement. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your experience.

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Rather than being dependent it is better for individuals to work. Although, few people believe that older workers should not be working once they retire. I partially agree with the given notion and reasons for the same will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs.

To commence with, retirement is a period where the elderly masses should rest and spend quality time with their loved ones. To elucidate, a person contributes their time into a service sector in hope to lead a comfortable life once they grow old. To illustrate, after the age of 60; need and want to remain with the family and enjoy time with grandchildren increases. Hence,

employment after getting old should not be preferable.

On the contrary, maintaining a body momentum is imperative at the same time. To decipher, being at home for a longer period of time makes the routine monotonous for elderly people which as a consequence lead to many health issues; therefore, it is better to socialise with people of distinct age groups to be active. For instance, 80% of old citizens, prefer to work to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

To conclude, in order to maintain body structure and live a peaceful life, the above mentioned points indicate that partial working of older employees should be prioritised.

Word Count: 213

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

should: 4

people: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a position (partial agreement), but the development of ideas is limited and lacks depth. The response is quite brief, which prevents a thorough exploration of the arguments. While the two main points (the need for rest and the need for physical/social activity) are relevant, they are presented somewhat superficially. To improve, you should aim to expand on your arguments by explaining 'why' and 'how' in more detail. For example, instead of just stating that work prevents monotony, explain how professional engagement contributes to mental acuity or social stability. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion more clearly reflects the nuances of your 'partial agreement.' Avoid using overly formulaic phrases like 'reasons for the same will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs,' as these do not add value to your argument. Focus on building a more cohesive logical flow between your ideas. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The use of cohesive devices like 'To elucidate', 'To illustrate', and 'To decipher' feels formulaic and is occasionally used incorrectly, which disrupts the natural flow of the text. To improve, focus on using transitions that logically connect the meaning of sentences rather than relying on a repetitive list of introductory phrases. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear, central topic sentence that is fully developed.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is somewhat limited and occasionally used in an unnatural way. For example, phrases like 'elderly masses', 'body momentum', and 'body structure' are not standard English collocations in this context. While there is an attempt to use academic vocabulary, it often lacks precision. To improve, aim for more natural word pairings (collocations). Instead of 'body momentum', consider 'physical activity' or 'mobility'; instead of 'body structure', consider 'physical health' or 'well-being'. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are several grammatical errors that affect the clarity of the message. Issues include subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'routine... lead' should be 'leads'), improper use of punctuation (e.g., the semicolon after 'age of 60' is used incorrectly), and sentence fragments. The sentence starting with 'Although' is a dependent clause and cannot stand alone. To improve, practice using complex sentence structures more accurately and pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding how to connect independent and dependent clauses.

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