Opinion

Band 6+: Some people believe that teaching children to be patient and to resist immediate temptations is the most important factor in helping them succeed later in life. Others think that other factors, such as talent, education, or family background, are more important.

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Nowadays, some people suppose that patience and self-control are the most important factors for the late success of children. While, the rest say that the key elements for success are talent, education, or family background. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion.

Patience and resisting immediate temptations play crucial roles for children since they will try as hard as they can. Without fortune, it is hard for anyone to succeed from the very first try. With patience, you are able to overcome all of the obstacles. Going from step to step to reach your goals will make it more satisfying and you can know how hard you have tried, how unbelievable to be at that position. For example, when they fail, they will give full effort to the second, the third attemps until they make it to the end. Moreover, resisting temptations helps children put more concentration on their work, reduce distractions and make them finish every stuff with no postponement.

In contrast, other foundations such as talent, education, family background bring a bunch of benefits for children. Talent and education give them easy success because your greatness can make children in the future a priority in their job, then, there are no reasons that can worsen their career. Moreover, family background is a very popular factor, if their family can afford the study, the wish, it will give them a big head start compared to the less lucky people. Last but not least, with their big head start, they can easily become successful, with less effort and hard work.

‘ In conclusion, all the elements have their own strengths and drawbacks. Success includes a wide range of factors, not just being patient or being talented can make it to the end easily. Therefore, children will succeed with all the things they have if they just easily want to, they will make the most of their advantages and go on their own way of success

Word Count: 330

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 8

children: 6

success: 5

family: 4

talent: 3

education: 3

background: 3

easily: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both views and presents a position, but the development is somewhat limited and lacks precision. The introduction clearly states the topic and the intention to discuss both views. The first body paragraph discusses patience and resisting temptations, but the ideas are not fully extended and contain some vague statements (e.g., 'they will try as hard as they can' and 'finish every stuff with no postponement'). The second body paragraph covers talent, education, and family background, but the support is general and not well-elaborated. The conclusion attempts to synthesize, but the final sentence is unclear and lacks a clear stance. To improve, ensure each main idea is fully explained with specific examples or reasoning, and make the position more explicit and consistent throughout. Also, avoid informal language and grammatical errors that affect clarity.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear pronoun references (e.g., 'they' without clear antecedents). The use of cohesive devices is basic, and some transitions are abrupt. To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas are logically connected with more varied linking words and phrases.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'patience', 'self-control', 'temptations', 'family background', and 'head start'. However, there are some inaccuracies and informal expressions (e.g., 'try as hard as they can', 'finish every stuff', 'a bunch of benefits'). To achieve a higher score, use more precise and formal vocabulary, and avoid colloquialisms. Also, ensure word choice is appropriate for the context (e.g., 'fortune' instead of 'luck' might be more formal). Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. For example, 'the late success of children' should be 'children's later success', and 'attemps' is misspelled. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage. To improve, focus on proofreading for common errors and practice using a wider range of grammatical structures with accuracy.

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