Opinion

Band 5+: The main reason that people work hard is to make money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Working is a lifestyle for many people. Some people work hard only to earn money, others work to improve the company. From my perspective, I firmly agree that the main reason for working is to gain money for many reasons. Therefore, this essay will discuss each point and explain my opinion.

To begin with, working hard can lead to great career journey. This is because workers can enhance their abilities and increase their salaries, so their lives will be better than before. For instance, during 2016, a study recorded that if a employee improved his abilities, the company will increase his salary significantly. Consequently, his new salary will transform his life in a positive way. As a result, it is important for people to enhance their skills to success in life.

Moreover, working for money can transform people’s children lives. The reason is that when a person gains a large amount of money, he will begin improving his family’s lives, by enhancing their house or saving money for the future of his sons. For example, if a father is earning a large amount of money, so he begins to improve the structure of the house. In addition, he saves money for the future of his children. Thus, workers can improve their children’s lives, by gaining a large amount of money.1

To conclude, money is one of the main resources for living. In my opinion, I strongly agree that it is essential for workers to work hard to earn money for numerous reasons.

Word Count: 252

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

money: 9

their: 6

working: 4

lives: 4

people: 3

improve: 3

workers: 3

large: 3

amount: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position that the writer agrees with the statement. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited and repetitive. The main points - improving one's own life and improving one's children's lives - are essentially two sides of the same coin (financial improvement), which prevents the essay from exploring the depth of the topic. To improve, try to expand on different dimensions of the argument. For example, you could discuss how money provides security, access to education, or healthcare. Additionally, avoid circular reasoning where the conclusion of a paragraph simply restates the topic sentence using different words. Aim to provide more varied supporting details rather than repeating the same concept of 'improving life' in every paragraph.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is somewhat repetitive. Many sentences start with similar cohesive devices (e.g., 'The reason is that', 'For example', 'In addition'), which makes the writing feel mechanical. To improve, try to use more varied linking words and focus on developing a logical flow where one idea naturally leads into the next, rather than just listing points. Additionally, the introduction contains a 'plan sentence' ('this essay will discuss each point...') which is often considered unnecessary in higher-band essays; instead, try to integrate your main arguments directly into the thesis statement.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is functional and allows the reader to understand the main points, but it is quite basic and repetitive. Words like 'improve', 'large amount of money', and 'enhance' are used multiple times throughout the essay. To reach a higher band, aim to use a wider range of synonyms. For example, instead of 'large amount of money', you could use 'substantial income', 'wealth', or 'financial resources'. Instead of 'improve', consider 'elevate', 'augment', or 'better'. Using more precise collocations will also make the writing sound more natural. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are frequent errors in grammar and punctuation. There are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'a employee' should be 'an employee'), tense consistency (mixing present and future in conditional sentences), and word forms (e.g., 'to success in life' should be 'to succeed in life'). There are also instances of redundant conjunctions (e.g., 'if... so...'). Focus on mastering conditional structures (If + present, will + verb) and ensuring that your noun-verb agreements are consistent throughout the text.

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