Opinion

Band 4+: Write about the following topic: Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

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Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology while Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. I totally agree with this statement. This essay will discuss the reason for my agreement.

One reason why i agree, computer technology has so many risks especailly in the bank system, education and any large company that used this technology as a main way of communication, for instance, in my country bank and matric exam for grade twelve haked by polletical activist hakers, those they live out side of Ethiopia, this affect all student negatively because those they have information and acsess the question befor exam, enter to higher education whithout enough knowledge after a year they discontinue their university education due to fail in exam. And also many population has no trust in order to put their money to bank because of this issue even if the government take the risk and responsibility.

Another reason, the computer system should not be discontinue especially in sensative public service area, for example in health care service centers, because all their history of the client in soft copy the health care provider can not get enough information to give appropraite service for the patient, for this reason many peolpe may die due to lack of enough past and present history of patient history that guied the next procedure or approch additional to current investigation.

In conclusion, i totally agree with this statment, but it needs continious maintanance and control of each system in terms of prevent further potential complication both the government and the population.

Word Count: 269

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Overall Band Score

4.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

computer: 4

technology: 4

reason: 4

agree: 3

system: 3

education: 3

because: 3

enough: 3

their: 3

service: 3

history: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt and presents a clear position. The ideas are relevant but lack clarity and sufficient development. To improve, provide more specific examples and elaborate on the potential complications mentioned in the conclusion. Focus on developing each point with more detail and providing stronger evidence to support your arguments.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay's structure is somewhat unclear, and the flow of ideas is frequently disrupted. The introduction restates the prompt but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs attempt to provide reasons for agreement but suffer from a lack of clear topic sentences and logical connections between ideas. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs are weak, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The conclusion restates the agreement but doesn't effectively summarize the main points or provide a strong concluding statement. To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating clear topic sentences for each paragraph, using transition words and phrases to connect ideas, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear focus and logical flow.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with frequent repetition of simple words and phrases. There are also instances of inaccurate word choice and usage, which detract from the clarity of the writing. The essay does not demonstrate any sophisticated control of lexical features. To improve lexical resource, focus on expanding your vocabulary through reading and vocabulary-building exercises. Pay attention to the nuances of word meanings and practice using new words in context. Also, try to use synonyms and paraphrasing to avoid repetition and demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including errors in sentence structure, verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation. These errors significantly impede the clarity and accuracy of the writing. The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with a reliance on simple sentence constructions. To improve grammatical range and accuracy, focus on reviewing basic grammar rules and practicing sentence construction. Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and correct use of articles and prepositions. Also, try to incorporate a wider range of sentence structures into your writing, such as compound and complex sentences.

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