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Band 5+: .: The lines illustrate the reletionship between rate of employed men and women, aged between 18-34 in Australia from 1976 to 2011

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The image contains a line graph titled 'Employment of Men and Women Aged 18-34 in Australia (1976 vs 2011)', plotting Percentage Employed against Age from 18 to 34. For Men in 1976, the percentages by age are: 18(56), 19(60), 20(63), 21(66), 22(67), 23(67), 24(66), 25(69), 26(69), 27(68), 28(67), 29(68), 30(73), 31(78), 32(80), 33(82), 34(87). For Men in 2011: 18(42), 19(46), 20(49), 21(52), 22(55), 23(56), 24(54), 25(53), 26(53), 27(52), 28(52), 29(55), 30(61), 31(63), 32(64), 33(68), 34(71). For Women in 1976: 18(52), 19(51), 20(50), 21(50), 22(49), 23(48), 24(45), 25(41), 26(40), 27(40), 28(39), 29(39), 30(38), 31(38), 32(37), 33(35), 34(34). For Women in 2011: 18(48), 19(43), 20(44), 21(44), 22(44), 23(45), 24(47), 25(47), 26(46), 27(43), 28(40), 29(39), 30(37), 31(36), 32(35), 33(34), 34(33).

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The given graph compares percentage of employment by gender aged between 18-34 in Australia in 1976 and 2011.

Overall, it is evident that the percentage of male’s employment represented an upward trend while decline occurred in female’s figure. Notably, The highest employment percentage was among 34 years old male in 1976.

Regarding the employment percentage of male in 1976, the least percent of employment was seen around 18 years old men which was 55 percent and figure went up as the age of men increased. The highest percent was about 80 percent employment which belonged to age 32 males. As for 2011, the figure showed relatively lower percent than 1976, however it mirrored the upward pattern of 1976 figure. The least percent was in age 18, showing around 42 percent then it it stood stable around 55 among age group 23 and 28. Afterwards, the higher percentages was among older age groups and the most highest was 68 percent in age 34.

In terms of females unemployment percentage, younger female constituted more workforce than elderly one in both year. 18 year old females displayed the highest rates with 52 percent in 1976 and 48 in 2011. The percentage of 1976 gradually shrinked as age of female’s declined, the least seen in age 34 with around 20 perfect. Meanwhile, the figure of 2011 remained stable among age 19-25 which then it experienced a small rise around age 25-27. It started falling as age falling and the least one was around 20 percent in age 33.

Word Count: 254

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B1 - Intermediate
Using more sophisticated words could be beneficial.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

percent: 10

percentage: 6

employment: 6

around: 6

figure: 5

highest: 4

among: 4

least: 4

which: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The report addresses the requirements of the task, providing an overview of the trends in employment percentages for men and women in Australia between 1976 and 2011. The overall trends are identified, and some specific data points are mentioned. However, there are some inaccuracies in the data reported (e.g., stating the highest male employment in 1976 was 80% at age 32 when it was actually 87% at age 34, and stating the lowest female employment was around 20% when it was actually in the low 30s). Also, the description of the female employment trends could be more precise and detailed. To improve, ensure greater accuracy in data reporting and provide a more comprehensive description of the trends, including specific comparisons and contrasts between the years.

Coherence & Cohesion

The report demonstrates an attempt to organize the information into paragraphs, but the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother to improve the overall coherence. For example, the shift from the overview to the detailed description of male employment could be more clearly signaled. Consider using cohesive devices like 'In contrast' or 'Similarly' to link related ideas and improve the logical progression of your report.

Lexical Resource

The report uses a limited range of vocabulary, and there are instances of imprecise word choice. For example, using 'shrinked' instead of 'decreased' or 'declined'. To improve, try to incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary related to trends and comparisons, such as 'fluctuated', 'plateaued', 'diverged', or 'converged'. Also, ensure that the vocabulary you use is appropriate for academic writing. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The report contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb tenses ('decline occurred' should be 'a decline occurred'), subject-verb agreement issues ('percentage of male's employment' should be 'percentage of male employment'), and incorrect use of articles ('the most highest' should be 'the highest'). Sentence structure is also often awkward and unclear. To improve, focus on mastering basic grammar rules and sentence structures. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors before submitting your work. Consider using online grammar checkers or seeking feedback from a tutor to identify areas for improvement.

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