Discussion

Band 5+: Some believe that professional success depends largely on obtaining a good education, while others contend that personal talent and drive are more significant. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A number of people believe that success comes from gaining many qualifications on education, while others believe that this depends on personal talent and motivation. While both views are valid, I learn towards the latter.

There are convincing reasons why some opine that professional success depends largely on gaining a good qualification. That is because people see that a good qualification can help people get a great job in the job market and have qualified to compete with others in different conditions. For example, individuals who obtain more qualifications such as olympics or exams to select excellent students can pass a lot of well-known universities both in the country and abroad, so they also have more opportunities to study more, and become successful in their life. Besides, nowadays, more and more students learn very well, they can naturally put peer pressure on the students who are not good at studying, invisible creating a large measure in the mind of bad-minded students. This can result in thinking of many people, especially in teenagers, that they must have more qualifications, achievements in education but forget their real dreams, ambitions that they really want to be.

However, I would argue that personal talent and motivation are also more important. The main reason for this is that individuals know exactly what they want to do, and what they really want to become. To explain, people who have obviously awareness what they good at such as swimming, skirting, or the ballet, they can also have the orientation from the young age and improve them to be better. In the future, they will work in an environment suitable for them, with others who have the same ambition. For example, a student who is great at swimming has the cheerfulness from parents and also has investment in the young are also paying attention to their aim, such as becoming a swimmer and they live with their target at the young age, just study what they need to serve their future. This can result in people also improving their ability, knowing about their target of their life, and living a life that they really want.

In conclusion, while others say that it has important benefits to get education qualifications, but I still that it can be a concern.

Word Count: 380

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Overall Band Score

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Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 8

people: 6

qualifications: 4

others: 4

students: 4

education: 3

while: 3

really: 3

young: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing both the importance of education and the importance of talent/drive, and it provides a clear personal opinion. However, the development of ideas is inconsistent. While the main ideas are relevant, some supporting points lack clarity or logical precision. For instance, the discussion regarding 'peer pressure' and 'bad-minded students' in the first body paragraph deviates from the core argument of how education leads to success, becoming more of a commentary on the psychological effects of competition. Additionally, the conclusion is underdeveloped and contains grammatical errors that obscure the final stance. **Suggestions for improvement:** - **Focus on Relevance:** Ensure every sentence in a paragraph directly supports the topic sentence. Avoid tangential discussions about the negative psychological impacts of education unless they directly relate to why education is or is not a path to success. - **Deepen Argumentation:** Instead of just stating that talent helps, explain *how* talent and drive compensate for a lack of formal education (e.g., through innovation, entrepreneurship, or specialized skills). - **Strengthen the Conclusion:** A conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion clearly. Avoid introducing new ideas or using vague phrasing like 'it can be a concern.' - **Refine Vocabulary and Grammar:** Work on precision in word choice (e.g., using 'inclined' instead of 'learn towards') and ensure subject-verb agreement to improve the flow of ideas.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is sometimes difficult to follow due to awkward phrasing and logical leaps. For instance, the discussion regarding 'peer pressure' and 'bad-minded students' in the first body paragraph feels somewhat tangential to the main argument about professional success. To improve, ensure that every sentence directly supports the central topic of the paragraph and use more precise cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore', 'Consequently', 'In contrast') to link ideas more smoothly.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is sufficient to convey basic ideas, but there are frequent errors in word choice and collocation that occasionally obscure meaning. For example, 'learn towards' should be 'lean towards', 'olympics' is used incorrectly in the context of academic qualifications, and 'skirting' is likely a misspelling of 'skating'. Additionally, phrases like 'invisible creating a large measure in the mind' are unclear. Aim to learn collocations (words that naturally go together) and ensure that your word choices are precise and contextually appropriate.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are significant grammatical issues throughout the essay. Problems include subject-verb agreement, incorrect sentence structures (e.g., 'people who have obviously awareness what they good at'), and issues with sentence fragments. The conclusion is particularly weak and grammatically incomplete ('but I still that it can be a concern'). To improve, focus on mastering complex sentence structures and ensuring that every sentence has a clear subject and predicate. Regular proofreading for basic errors in tense and word form will also help increase accuracy.

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