Bar Chart

Band 6+: The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and report in the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

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Image for topic: The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and report in the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

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The image illustrates the percentage participation of men in senior development positions in IBM, Microsoft, and Apple from 1980 to 2010: 1980 - IBM: 2%, Microsoft: 0%, Apple: 5%; 1985 - IBM: 3%, Microsoft: 2%, Apple: 10%; 1990 - IBM: 4%, Microsoft: 6%, Apple: 12%; 1995 - IBM: 10%, Microsoft: 14%, Apple: 15%; 2000 - IBM: 30%, Microsoft: 22%, Apple: 22%; 2005 - IBM: 40%, Microsoft: 18%, Apple: 25%; 2010 - IBM: 70%, Microsoft: 40%, Apple: 35%.

Given the complexity of the image, the above description may not be entirely accurate.

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Note: Both the topic and the answer were created by one of our users.

The provided chart shows the percentage of men who took up a senior development position in three different companies. The comparison goes between IBM, Microsoft and Apple in a 30-year period.

Overall, it can be seen that rates for given companies gradually rose. Especially stood out the IBM company, which superiored all corporations starting from mid 90s.

At the beginning, IBM showed the minimal rate reaching approximately 1%, while Apple attained the top. At a later date, in 1990, IBM and Microsoft presented moderate growth resulting in more than 10%, almost overtaking Apple Corps which experienced a subtle decline.

However, starting from 1995, the rates for IBM sharply increased and completely surpassed Apple’s 20%. In the next few years male participation rates for IBM resumed to increase and hit 30%. In 2010, the entire situation changed and Microsoft took second place in percentages, reaching 45% and excelling Apple with its 25%. Regarding IBM, it took up the first place hitting approximately 62% in the amount of male senior developers.

Word Count: 169

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

apple: 4

microsoft: 3

rates: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The report addresses the main trends and makes comparisons between the three companies, which is required for the task. However, there are several inaccuracies in the data reporting that affect the clarity of the summary. For instance, the report mentions Microsoft reaching 45% and Apple at 25% in 2010, which deviates significantly from the provided data. Additionally, some descriptions of trends (such as Apple experiencing a 'subtle decline' in 1990) do not align with the upward trend shown in the visual description. To improve, ensure that the data points cited are as accurate as possible and that the descriptions of growth or decline strictly follow the provided figures.

Coherence & Cohesion

The report follows a logical structure, moving from an introduction to an overview and then to specific details. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Some cohesive devices are used, but the transitions between sentences occasionally feel abrupt. To improve, try using a wider variety of linking words (e.g., 'In contrast,' 'Subsequently,' 'By comparison') to create a more seamless flow between the trends of the different companies.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is adequate for describing trends (e.g., 'gradually rose', 'sharply increased', 'surpassed'), but there are several instances of imprecise word choices and awkward phrasing. For example, 'superiored' is not a standard English verb, and 'resumed to increase' is slightly unnatural. Additionally, referring to Apple as 'Apple Corps' is a factual naming error. Aim to use more sophisticated synonyms for 'increase' and 'decrease' and ensure that verbs are used in their correct forms.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The report demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent enough to occasionally hinder the reader's flow. There are issues with sentence construction (e.g., 'Especially stood out the IBM company') and preposition usage. To improve, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct word order in complex sentences. Practicing the use of relative clauses and participle phrases would help in creating more accurate and sophisticated grammatical structures.

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