Letter

Band 6+: Your company is planning to open a new branch in another country, and you would like to be considered for a transfer there. Write a letter to your HR manager expressing your interest. Include: why you want the transfer, your relevant skills and experience, how you would help the new branch succeed.

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Note: Both the topic and the answer were created by one of our users.

Dear HR Manager,

Good Day.

I came to know that our company is expanding and is planning to open a new branch in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. This is a very good news for our establishment and it shows that overall performance of the businessis significantly good.

I want to show my interest of getting transfer to Canada for working in the new branch. I always wanted to work in Canada as HSE Manager because it offers transparent and diverse work culture with strong work ethics and inclusion. I have experience working in cold environment so harsh climate over there would not bother me.

Moreover, I have appropriate certifications such as CRSP from BCRSP which is sought after qualification for construction and mining companies across Canada. Besides, I completed my PG Diploma in HSE Management from British Columbia University Of Science and Technology in 2022. I had done few interships and apprenticeships as well while I was on Open Work permit in 2023 which gave me insights about local health and safety standards, codes and practices.

As a result, above credentials and my extensive foreign experience in KSA makes me an ideal fit for HSE role there and gives me a chance to showcase my abiltiies and skills as per Canadian HSE standards. Besides, I can manage and lead new project site which will reduce the cost of hiring for the company.

I request you to please refer me for the role in Canada based on the skills and experience that I can provide to the company.

Yours sincerely,

Shahbaaz

Word Count: 260

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

canada: 5

experience: 3

which: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The letter covers all three required points: the reason for the transfer, relevant skills and experience, and how you would help the new branch succeed. The tone is appropriate and the purpose is clear. However, there are some lapses in clarity and detail. For example, the reason for wanting the transfer is somewhat general, and the explanation of how you would help the branch succeed could be more specific. Additionally, some sentences are wordy or contain minor grammatical errors (e.g., 'businessis', 'abiltiies'). To improve, consider making your motivation more personal and concrete, and provide clearer examples of how your skills will directly benefit the new branch. Also, proofread for minor errors to enhance professionalism.

Coherence & Cohesion

The letter is logically organized with clear paragraphs for each bullet point, and the overall message is easy to follow. However, some transitions are abrupt (e.g., 'As a result' is used to introduce a new point rather than a conclusion), and the flow could be smoother. The opening 'Good Day' is informal and not typical for a formal business letter. Consider using more cohesive devices to link ideas, such as 'Furthermore' or 'In addition', and ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic.

Lexical Resource

The letter uses a range of vocabulary related to the job and location (e.g., 'transparent and diverse work culture', 'sought after qualification', 'insights about local health and safety standards'). However, there are some awkward or informal phrases (e.g., 'Good Day', 'very good news', 'I had done few interships') and minor spelling errors (e.g., 'abiltiies', 'interships'). To improve, use more formal and precise language, and proofread for spelling and word choice.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The letter contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. Examples include: 'I came to know' (should be 'I have learned'), 'this is a very good news' (should be 'this is very good news'), 'I want to show my interest of getting transfer' (should be 'I would like to express my interest in being transferred'), 'I had done few interships' (should be 'I completed several internships'), and 'which will reduce the cost of hiring' (should be 'which will reduce hiring costs'). There are also punctuation issues, such as missing commas. To improve, focus on sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and using a wider range of grammatical structures (e.g., conditional sentences, passive voice) with accuracy.

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Task Response

Coherence & Cohesion

Lexical Resource

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

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