Cause And Solution

Band 5+: A growing number of young people are choosing to live in large urban centers rather than staying in their rural hometowns, leading to the decline of countryside communities. What are the causes of this migration and what measures can be taken to encourage people to stay in rural areas?

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

In several countries, numerous young people move from the countryside to big cities, and this trend has caused the population of rural areas to drop. The reason for this issue could be financial condition, as we all know, working in a metropolitan city could make anyone gain a high income.

The primary benefits of the migration are financial income. People who live in the village have dreams of moving to a city, because it will help their economy. Living in a town will give them a good salary if they can work in a great company. Because of this mindset, a lot of villagers move to the city to try their luck. But the city is not always that easy. A high cost of living, big pressure on a company, and social inequality. Anything in a town is pricey, such as an apartment, primary needs, water, electricity, and even the cost of living is enough to spend their salary.

Encouraging them to stay in their place is by giving rural areas the same opportunities as cities have. The government should updated their facilities and support the village’s economy, such as local businesses. The problems we could see right now are that many suburbs did not get electricity, and do not have any proper streets to walk on; that is why many villagers thought that if they moved to a town, they would get better living conditions, which is not always the case. If the megalopolis and the countryside had the same prospects, they would not need to move into a big city to repair their economic condition.

In conclusion, the government played a big role in keeping people in their place. If the countryside’s environment develops, there will not be an inequality of populations in any area.

Word Count: 297

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 7

living: 4

people: 3

could: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: the reasons for migration and potential solutions. A position is present, but the development of ideas is somewhat inconsistent. While the writer identifies financial gain as a motivator, the discussion of the 'benefits' of migration in the second paragraph actually shifts into discussing the 'difficulties' of city life, which slightly confuses the logical flow of the argument. Additionally, the ideas regarding solutions are relevant but could be more specifically developed to show how exactly supporting local businesses or infrastructure would prevent migration. To improve, ensure that each paragraph has a single, clear focus. If a paragraph is meant to discuss 'reasons for migration,' avoid spending too much time discussing the 'hardships of city life' unless it directly explains why people move (e.g., the contrast in opportunity). Furthermore, try to expand on the 'how' in your solutions - for example, instead of just saying the government should 'support local businesses,' you could suggest providing tax incentives or low-interest loans to encourage entrepreneurship in rural areas.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing the two parts of the prompt, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs is sometimes abrupt. For instance, the second paragraph shifts from the benefits of migration to the difficulties of city life without a smooth transition. To improve, use more sophisticated cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'Conversely,' 'Consequently') to link sentences and ideas more naturally. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that guides the reader.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is functional and allows the reader to understand the main points, but it is somewhat repetitive and lacks sophistication. Terms like 'big cities,' 'good salary,' and 'big role' are quite basic. To reach a higher band, aim to use more precise and academic synonyms, such as 'metropolitan hubs,' 'lucrative income,' or 'pivotal role.' Be careful with word choices like 'repair their economic condition,' which sounds unnatural; 'improve their economic circumstances' would be more appropriate. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are several grammatical issues that affect the flow of the essay. There are instances of sentence fragments (e.g., 'A high cost of living, big pressure on a company, and social inequality.') which lack a verb and do not form complete thoughts. There are also errors in verb tense and subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'The government should updated' should be 'should update'). To improve, focus on mastering complex sentence structures and ensuring that every sentence contains a subject and a predicate. Pay close attention to tense consistency throughout your writing.

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