Opinion

Band 5+: Bullying is becoming more and more serious in high schools. Many people say there should be severe punishments for those bullying their schoolmates. Do you agree with this idea? What do you think should be done to solve this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, bullying is becoming more and more dangerous in high schools. A lot of people suppose that there should be serious punishments for those bullying their schoolfellows. In my opinion, I believe that having some discipline for those bullies will be an important way to solve this big problem. However, it is not the only way to resolve this issue.

Firstly, we can see that using some punishments, such as suspension from school or the creation of a disciplinary record, will make bullies think about the consequences they will face after bullying. But on the other hand, if the punishments are too harsh, this method will fail to address the root causes. In addition, it even ruins their future prospects; therefore, this is not the only way to solve this problem.

Secondly, what are the other ways of solving this issue? Schools need to provide psychological counseling to the bullies. Besides that, the bullies’ families should take care of them to construct a healthy living environment and teach them how to respect others. Simultaneously, many effects from society are also parts of building their mentality.

In conclusion, having severe punishments is a necessary way, but it cannot completely prevent bullying in high school.

Word Count: 203

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

bullying: 4

punishments: 4

their: 3

bullies: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt by presenting a position on punishment and suggesting alternative solutions. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. While you identify relevant solutions (counseling, family involvement, and societal influence), these points are stated rather than fully explored or supported with specific examples. To improve, try to expand on 'how' and 'why' these solutions work. For instance, instead of just mentioning psychological counseling, explain how it helps identify the underlying trauma or behavioral issues that lead to bullying. Additionally, ensure that your arguments are more cohesive; the transition between the necessity of punishment and the need for other methods could be more fluidly integrated to create a more robust argument. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is somewhat limited. The transition between the idea of punishment and the 'root causes' could be more smoothly developed. To improve, try to use more sophisticated cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph explores a single idea in depth rather than briefly touching upon several points. The use of rhetorical questions (e.g., 'Secondly, what are the other ways...') is acceptable but can sometimes feel less academic than direct topical sentences.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is appropriate and clear, allowing the reader to understand the argument. However, the range of vocabulary is somewhat basic and repetitive (e.g., using 'solve this problem' and 'ways' multiple times). To reach a higher band, aim to use more precise and varied synonyms. For example, instead of 'big problem,' you could use 'pervasive issue' or 'pressing concern'; instead of 'ways,' you could use 'strategies,' 'measures,' or 'approaches'. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The writer demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. Most sentences are grammatically correct and convey the intended meaning. However, there is a tendency toward repetitive sentence patterns. There are also minor issues with phrasing, such as 'many effects from society are also parts of building their mentality,' which is somewhat vague and awkward. Focus on improving sentence variety and ensuring that complex structures are used with greater precision and naturalness.

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