Opinion

Band 6+: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It is not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

It is widely believed that in order to diminish crime rates, people should prioritise the causes of crime, rather than sending more individuals to jail and increasing the number of police officers on the streets. From my perspective, reducing crime rates can be done by understanding the root cause of criminal behavior.

One of the reasons why prioritising the root causes of crime is critical is because in most prisons, they primarily focus on punishment instead of rehabilitation. Punishing criminals has a tendency to encourage them to cause more crime in society, which causes a detrimental effect for the public and chaos due to police not being able to understand the criminals’ reasons for their crimes. For example, countless policies believe punishing criminals while they are behind bars is a good measurement for building discipline. However, it may create more groups of criminals once they are released from jail because of unclear communication between individuals. Consequently, police officers should put effort in criminal backgrounds rather than hurting them.

By understanding the root causes, crimes can be prevented simply by providing rehabilitation programs in prison. Instead of punishing the criminals, learning the root causes is a more effective solution because criminals are offered a positive approach, which interprets that they can be understood. For instance, educational opportunities for young criminals are beneficial for them, as access to education is extremely crucial for teens even if they have committed a crime. Moreover, mental health services are also efficient among criminals since the service can help them in improving themselves. Therefore, providing these resources can have a positive impact on criminals.

In conclusion, instead of using physical strength against criminals. Rehabilitation programs and offering resources that can assist them after criminals get released, should be offered in every prison as it can significantly reduce crime rates.

Word Count: 303

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

criminals: 9

crime: 7

causes: 5

rates: 3

should: 3

police: 3

because: 3

instead: 3

rehabilitation: 3

punishing: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt and presents a clear position in favor of addressing root causes. The ideas are relevant and supported with examples, but there are some lapses in focus and precision. For instance, the first body paragraph could more directly link punishment to the causes of crime, and the second body paragraph could elaborate on how rehabilitation programs specifically reduce crime. Additionally, the conclusion could be more concise and avoid the incomplete sentence. To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all points directly support the thesis.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear overall structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The main ideas are presented logically, and there is a clear progression from discussing the ineffectiveness of punishment to the benefits of rehabilitation. However, the flow is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear pronoun references (e.g., 'it may create more groups of criminals'). The conclusion contains a sentence fragment ('instead of using physical strength against criminals.') which affects the overall coherence. To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences are complete and logically connected.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'diminish crime rates', 'root cause', 'rehabilitation programs', and 'detrimental effect'. There is some attempt at using less common words (e.g., 'prioritise', 'interpret'). However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward collocations, such as 'countless policies believe' (should be 'policymakers' or 'policies' is misused), 'a good measurement' (should be 'a good measure'), and 'put effort in criminal backgrounds' (should be 'investigate criminal backgrounds'). To improve, focus on using precise and natural vocabulary, and avoid direct translation from the first language. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, with some accurate use of subordinate clauses. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. For example, 'Punishing criminals has a tendency to encourage them to cause more crime' is awkward; 'criminals' reasons' is missing an apostrophe; 'countless policies believe' is a subject-verb agreement issue; and the conclusion has a sentence fragment. Punctuation is generally correct but there are some comma splices and run-on sentences. To improve, proofread carefully for subject-verb agreement, use of articles, and sentence boundaries. Vary sentence structures more and ensure each sentence is grammatically complete.

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