Opinion

Band 4+: Nowadays it's possible for people to buy many products or pay for treatments that help them to look younger. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

NOWDAYS, THERE ARE DIFFERENT OPINIONS ABOUT WHETHER MANY PRODUCT FOR TREATMENTS THAT HELP THEM TO LOOK YOUNGER, IN MY OPINION, THIS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IN WORLD PEOPLE WILL LOOK MORE BEUTIFULL IF THEI TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THE MAIN RESONS SUPPORTING MY VIEW.

TO BEGIN WITH, ONE IMPORTANT REASON IS THAT TREATMENTS CAN HELPED PEOPLE LOOK YOUNGER THIS IS BECAUSE THERE ARE MANY PRODUCTS FOR SALE, ESPECIALLY BEAUTY DOCTOR PRODUCTS AND THAT MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE TO BEUTIFULL OR TO LOOK YOUNGER MUST TREATMENTS. FOR EXAMPLE OF A CARE ROUTINE THAT CAN MAKE YOUR FACE BRIGHTER. THEREFORE IF YOU WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE.

FUTHERMORE, ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT REASON IS THAT WE HAVE TO BUY PRODUCT FROM CLINIC OR BEUTY SHOP FOR MAKE THE FACE ALWAYS MAINTANED. IN OTHER WORDS, WE MUST HAVE MONEY FOR BUY ALL PRODUCTS WE WANT TO USE. FOR INSTANCE, WE BUY A PRODUCT AT THE CLINIC AFTER WE HAVE CONSULTED AND UNDERGOING TREATMENT. AS A RESULT IF WE BUY A PRODUCT THAT DOES NOT ACCORD TO THE DOCTOR’S ADVICE OR IS NOT BPOM REGISTERED, WE WILL GET UNWANTED RESULTS.

IN CONCULASION, ALTHOUGH PEOPLE MAY HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS, I BELIEVE THAT TREATMENTS ROUTINE CAN MAKE PEOPLE LOOK EASIER. THIS IS BECAUSE THE TREATMENT IS IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE DOCTOR’S REGULATIONS AND THE PRODUCTS PURCHASED IN BEAUTY STORES ARE ALSO BPOM REGISTERED. AS I AM DOING CURRENTLY, I HAVE ROUTINE TREATMENT AT THE CLINIC AND ALSO BUY PRODUCTS ACCORDING TO THE DOCTOR’S ADVICE. THEREFORE, I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT THIS THE MOST SUITABLE APPROACH.

Word Count: 262

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

people: 5

products: 5

product: 4

treatments: 4

younger: 3

because: 3

believe: 3

routine: 3

clinic: 3

treatment: 3

doctor's: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt by stating a clear position that looking younger through products and treatments is a good thing. However, the development of ideas is limited and not always clear. The first body paragraph attempts to give a reason but lacks specific, well-supported examples and contains some repetition. The second body paragraph shifts focus to the need for money and proper regulation, which is only loosely connected to the main argument. The conclusion restates the position but introduces new points about doctor regulations and personal experience, which should have been developed earlier. To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is directly relevant to the prompt, and support it with specific, well-explained examples. Also, avoid repetition and maintain a logical flow throughout the essay.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but the flow of ideas is often disrupted by unclear connections and abrupt transitions. The use of cohesive devices is limited and sometimes incorrect (e.g., 'TO BEGIN WITH', 'FUTHERMORE', 'IN CONCULASION'). Paragraphing is present but not always logical, and the message is not always easy to follow due to missing or unclear links between sentences. To improve, focus on using a wider range of linking words and phrases naturally, and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed smoothly.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with several spelling errors (e.g., 'NOWDAYS', 'BEUTIFULL', 'THEI', 'RESONS', 'FUTHERMORE', 'BEUTY', 'MAINTANED', 'CONCULASION'). There is some attempt to use topic-specific terms like 'treatments', 'beauty doctor products', and 'BPOM registered', but the range is limited and the usage is not always accurate. To improve, expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and collocations related to the topic, and practice using them in context. Also, proofread carefully to eliminate spelling mistakes. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that affect clarity, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'MANY PRODUCT FOR TREATMENTS'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'can helped', 'must treatments'), missing articles (e.g., 'IN WORLD'), and incorrect word order. Punctuation is often missing or misused, with many run-on sentences and lack of capitalization after periods. The range of sentence structures is very limited, with most sentences being simple or incorrectly formed. To improve, review basic grammar rules, practice writing a variety of sentence types (simple, compound, complex), and pay close attention to punctuation and sentence boundaries.

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