Advantage And Disadvantage

Band 6+: Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is true that technological devices such as surveillance video or mobile phone are utilised for monitoring public activities these days. In the most common case, many people do not realise that they are being monitored. Although the existence of these devices has some drawbacks, I do believe that it has more benefits for our communities and the following essay will discuss it in details.

On the one hand, it is reported the usage of technological tools has increased, such as video cameras that are placed everywhere by authorities and the tracking of individuals’ cellular phone using satellite technology. These acts are unfavourable for some people since authorities do not inform their residents about the activities. Some people believe that this is against human rights and freedom, where people should have their own privacy. Besides that, this monitoring data could be misused by the member of the authorities, as the data could be sold to another party for business or political purposes.

On the other hand, the existence of CCTV in public places and satellite tracking of mobile phones would bring many advantages for the humankind if they are used appropriately. With the existence of these video monitoring activities, it would help the police department in preventing and investigating any crime activities. And then, with the sophisticated satellite tracking technology, it could help authorities in tracing crime persons, as they could search the existence of criminals through the signal of mobile phones. It has been proven that with the usage of these sophisticated technologies, it has reduced the number of crimes in many countries.

In conclusion, it is common that governments use advanced technology devices such as video camera and handphone tracking system to monitor their residents’ activities. And in common cases, these monitoring activities are not informed and socialised to the public, therefore some people believe that they are against human’s privacy policy. In my personal opinion, I do believe that these activities have more positive sides than its negatives if authorities use it properly.

Word Count: 336

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

activities: 7

these: 7

people: 5

authorities: 5

video: 4

monitoring: 4

existence: 4

believe: 4

tracking: 4

could: 4

devices: 3

mobile: 3

public: 3

common: 3

satellite: 3

technology: 3

their: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position. The main ideas are relevant, but there could be more focus and precision in supporting them. To improve, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on the potential consequences of both the advantages and disadvantages discussed.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay demonstrates a generally clear progression of ideas, but the connections between some sentences and paragraphs could be strengthened. The introduction and conclusion adequately frame the argument, but the transitions between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. Consider using more explicit linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your reasoning. For example, in the second paragraph, adding a phrase like "One significant concern is that..." could improve the flow. Similarly, when transitioning to the third paragraph, a phrase like "However, despite these concerns..." would create a clearer contrast.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a range of vocabulary appropriate to the topic, but there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance the clarity and impact of your arguments. For example, instead of "unfavourable for some people," consider using "detrimental to individual liberties." To improve, focus on expanding your vocabulary related to technology, privacy, and ethics, and practice using these words in context. Also, pay attention to collocations to ensure that your word choices sound natural and idiomatic. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are noticeable grammatical errors that affect clarity. For example, "it is reported the usage of technological tools has increased" could be improved to "it is reported that the use of technological tools has increased." Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and correct tense formation. Reviewing basic grammar rules and practicing sentence construction will help improve accuracy. Additionally, try to vary your sentence structures to enhance the overall flow and readability of your essay.

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