Opinion

Band 5+: People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society How can we create an ideal society? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

Individuals quite often dream about an ideal society, however almost always fail in making this happen.

Personally, I also think about this idea quite a lot. From my perspective an ideal society is the community where everyone respect each other and do more benefits rather than harm. I believe that is possible to create such a society.

Society consists of group of individual persons. For this reason every member plays vital role in creating community that he or she belongs to. I trully believe that if every person behavioured themselves tolerated, then it would be much more comfartable to co-operate within society. Since, when person is treated respectfully, it give them no reason to be mad or upset at the most time. For example, during school years some students may face bullies, which leads to mental or physical problems. There would never been such a scenrio if only students respected others. So everybody must start from their behaviour and become more open-minded in terms of differences, whether the political view, personal opinion or nation.

So how can we create an ideal society where the respect is the most important trait. In my understanding people should be raised with the high morality and the concept of mutual respect. In other words, the main idea of this concept is treat others as you wished to be treated. I am absolutely sure that all of us will be glad if we get treated well. Because it makes everything so easy, starting off with a regular conversation and ending with giving a lecture where everybody listens.

To conclude for me personally an ideal society is the community with the mututal respect, which is possible to create if raised with the human values.

Word Count: 288

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

society: 5

ideal: 4

respect: 4

community: 3

where: 3

create: 3

treated: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both parts of the prompt, presenting a clear opinion on what constitutes an ideal society (mutual respect) and suggesting a way to create it (raising people with high morality and the concept of mutual respect). The position is consistent throughout. However, the development of ideas is limited; the argument is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth. The example about school bullying is relevant but not fully extended. To improve, provide more detailed reasoning and a wider range of examples, and ensure each paragraph develops a single idea with clear support. Additionally, work on grammatical accuracy and word choice to enhance clarity.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by abrupt transitions and unclear connections between sentences. For example, the shift from discussing respect in schools to the broader concept of mutual respect could be smoother. The use of cohesive devices is limited and sometimes repetitive. To improve, use a wider range of linking words and phrases, and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed logically.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'ideal society', 'mutual respect', and 'open-minded'. However, there are several instances of imprecise word choice and awkward phrasing, such as 'do more benefits rather than harm' and 'behavioured themselves tolerated'. Additionally, there are spelling errors like 'trully', 'comfartable', 'scenrio', and 'mututal'. To improve, focus on using more precise and natural vocabulary, and proofread to eliminate spelling mistakes. Expanding your lexical range with synonyms and more sophisticated expressions would also enhance the essay. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy. There are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'everyone respect' should be 'everyone respects'), verb tense consistency (e.g., 'behavioured' should be 'behaved'), and article usage (e.g., 'a group of individual persons' should be 'a group of individuals'). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of periods. The sentence structures are mostly simple, with limited use of complex sentences. To improve, practice using a wider range of grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences and relative clauses, and review basic grammar rules to reduce errors.

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