Opinion

Band 5+: People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society How can we create an ideal society? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

Nowadays, the idea of creating an ideal society is very common, but most of the times it does not turn out the way people expect it to. This essay will discuss ideas on how can we create an ideal society, as well as share a personal opinion on this subject.

To start with, an ideal society in most cases is the term for civilised, law obeying, and ethically behaved citizens. Which might sound just perfect, but not as easy to recreate. In order to achieve an ideal state, we have to start with the younger generation, since it will be easier to teach them right from the early age. For example, schools could include new subjects into their schedule, such as civil laws and first medical care, which will be taught by professionals in these fields. So students can gain a new knowledge first hand.

Secondly, there cannot be any improvements among people if the government does not provide the right environment for it. For example, why would students learn about recycling, when there are no facilities presented outside. Consequently, when people see that the government is not concerned about the right priorities, they will tend to disobey them. It also includes honest and loyal people working there. Since corruption and dishonesty might be a bigger problem than schoolers.

In conclusion, in my opinion the creation of an ideal society might be a sign of a society’s evolution. If people develop both materalisticly and spiritually, it may lead to a great consequences, such as world peace.

Word Count: 256

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

ideal: 5

people: 5

society: 4

might: 3

right: 3

there: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it offers a definition of an ideal society and suggests methods to create one. A position is present, though it is somewhat underdeveloped in the conclusion. The main ideas regarding education and government responsibility are relevant, but the development of these ideas is limited. For instance, the connection between 'materialistic and spiritual development' and 'world peace' in the conclusion is quite abrupt and lacks supporting explanation. To improve, aim to expand on your arguments with more depth. Instead of just stating that schools should teach certain subjects, explain *how* this specific change would lead to an ideal society. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion reinforces the arguments made in the body paragraphs rather than introducing new, abstract concepts like 'spiritual development' that were not discussed previously. Strengthening the logical links between your examples and your central thesis will help achieve a higher score.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with sentence connectivity. Some sentences are fragments (e.g., 'Which might sound just perfect, but not as easy to recreate.' and 'Since corruption and dishonesty might be a bigger problem than schoolers.'), which disrupts the flow of ideas. To improve, ensure that every sentence is a complete thought and use a wider variety of cohesive devices to link ideas between sentences rather than relying solely on simple transition words like 'To start with' and 'Secondly'.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic and allows the reader to understand the main points. However, there is some repetition and a lack of sophisticated word choices. For instance, 'right environment' and 'right priorities' are somewhat vague. Using more precise academic terms (e.g., 'conducive environment' or 'essential priorities') would elevate the quality. Additionally, be careful with word forms, such as 'materalisticly' (materialistically). Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are several grammatical inaccuracies that impact the professional tone of the essay. The most significant issues are sentence fragments and errors in word order (e.g., 'how can we create' in a declarative statement should be 'how we can create'). There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage. To improve, focus on mastering complex sentence structures and ensuring that subordinate clauses are correctly attached to main clauses to avoid fragments.

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