Opinion

Band 4+: People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society How can we create an ideal society? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

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Some people believe that create an ideal society it always end up fail. Mostly in community, unmanaged to adapt of the difference personality that end up to rebels was the main problem caused a failure. In my view, ideal society happened when the people strongly tolerance on each community. This essay will discussed about what the definition of ideal that bring how ideal society could mix the diversity becomes united that everyone wonder happened.

The key of create something ideal is must be precise and managed in all aspect. Everything has the downside that must to upgrade if build something stabled. For example, an ideal body weight that every human pursue to have is must to maintain the calories intake, exercise for building a muscle and loses fat, also habits that remains to maximize an ideal weight. As a result, ideal is the thing that successfully managed the differences.

The important things of an ideal society depends on how society maintained the difference of personality. When the public show respect and tolerance of diversity, it opens the society be freely acceptable on difference personality. For instance, In Indonesia when communism party has been blocked because of the massacre happened, it difficult to accept of communism people to join back to unite and belongs together. Therefore, the ideal society plays on how maintaining the diverse personality.

In conclusion, an ideal society demands on stabilizing to manage the people behavior shows a tolerance of diversity. As the result, the reason why it failed is not because impossible, but depends on the will of people to being respect on others.

Word Count: 267

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Overall Band Score

4.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

ideal: 11

society: 8

people: 5

difference: 3

personality: 3

tolerance: 3

diversity: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt and presents a position on creating an ideal society. However, the ideas lack clarity and could be more fully developed. The examples provided are somewhat relevant but could be more directly linked to the main points. To improve, focus on providing clearer explanations and more specific examples to support your arguments. Also, pay attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay's organization is somewhat unclear, and the progression of ideas is not always logical. The introduction could be more focused, clearly stating the essay's purpose and your stance. Transitions between paragraphs are weak, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the connection between the body paragraphs and the overall thesis could be strengthened. Consider using more explicit transition words and phrases to guide the reader. Also, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the main argument.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is somewhat limited and occasionally inaccurate. There are instances of imprecise word choice (e.g., "strongly tolerance"). To improve, focus on expanding your vocabulary and using more precise language. Pay attention to collocations and the appropriate use of words in context. Reading widely and noting down new vocabulary in context can be beneficial.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward phrasing. Sentence structures are often simple and lack complexity. For example, the sentence "Some people believe that create an ideal society it always end up fail" contains multiple errors. To improve, focus on mastering basic grammar rules and practicing sentence construction. Review grammar concepts such as verb tenses, articles, and sentence structure. Consider seeking feedback from a language tutor or using online resources to identify and correct errors.

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