Opinion

Band 6+: Some people believe that young people should focus on their studies and avoid working part-time jobs during school or university. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely believed that some students are working in their free time besides the time they go to school or university in a day. I completely agree with this point of view and will support my argument in the essay below.

There are four reasons why pupils seek side jobs while still studying. First, it is because these people are in difficult situations when their families are poor, and they have to work to ease the pressure on their parents. For example, there are plenty of cases demonstrating how some students have to give up on school to work because of poverty and unable to pay up for the rent. Secondly, they don’t want to rely on their guardians heavily regarding their situation. These individuals often have the early thoughts of want to be indepedent so they can take an active role on their life.

If it is not one of the reasons related to money that lead the students to work part-time, it could be two reasons below. First of all, they want to have more experience and train themselves to adapt to several circumstances. Usually, the youth thought that they need to develope themselves so they will not be left bewildered when they first enter into society without anyone help. The other reason in my opinion, is that the pupils want to learn how to manage their time effectively and well discipline.

Word Count: 235

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 7

students: 3

reasons: 3

first: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement and provides reasons for students working part-time. However, the response is somewhat limited in development and focus. The position is clear, but the ideas are not fully extended or supported with specific examples or deeper analysis. The essay also lacks a clear conclusion, which affects the overall completeness. To improve, ensure all parts of the prompt are fully addressed, develop each point with more detail and relevant examples, and structure the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but the flow is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between ideas. The use of cohesive devices is basic, and some transitions (e.g., 'If it is not one of the reasons...') are not smooth. To improve, use more varied linking words and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea with logical progression. Also, the conclusion is missing, which affects the overall coherence.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and repetitions (e.g., 'pupils' used repeatedly, 'side jobs' instead of 'part-time jobs'). Some phrases are informal or imprecise (e.g., 'ease the pressure on their parents', 'take an active role on their life'). To improve, use more precise and varied vocabulary, and avoid informal expressions. Also, ensure correct word forms (e.g., 'indepedent' should be 'independent', 'develope' should be 'develop'). Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. For example, 'unable to pay up for the rent' should be 'unable to pay the rent', and 'without anyone help' should be 'without anyone's help'. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage. To improve, focus on proofreading for common errors and practice using a wider range of grammatical structures with accuracy.

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