Discussion

Band 6+: Some people think all lawbreakers should be put into/sent to prison, while others believe that better tanlents among those should be made to work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A number of individuals believe that all lawbreakers should go to prison, while some argue that there should be a more appropriate alternative for those who commited minor crimes, such as making them work for the local community instead.

I would like to first start with the idea that all lawbreakers should go to prison. By sending all lawbreakers to prison, i think it should be enough to make them think twice before commiting anymore crimes, as prisons are the place you absolutely do not want to be in, considering the environment and treatment they get. However, whilst i agree that all lawbreakers should be punished for their crimes, i think another point worth noting is that, for these lawbreakers to not commit their crimes again, they should be given the understanding on why those laws are not meant to be broken. Prisons, might not be the best place for this. Some prisoners, upon release, actually end up even more vengeful after receiving such treatment whilst being in prison. This could lead them to have trauma and even more thoughts of revenge afterwards.

This is why some people may argue that, there should be better alternatives for these lawbreakers, especially those whose crimes are minor. For instance, if someone drove past a red light, should the driver be immediately admitted to jail with all the murderers inside? I think there should be a better alternative to punish them. However, i could see that with the amount of punishment being relatively lighter, this might lead to people acting even more careless towards the law.

In conclusion, although prisons shouldn’t be the only way to punish lawbreakers, it should be thoroughly judged that punishment they receive is according to their crimes, so that these lawbreakers never commit these crimes ever again.

Word Count: 299

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Overall Band Score

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Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

should: 10

lawbreakers: 8

crimes: 7

prison: 4

think: 4

these: 4

there: 3

those: 3

prisons: 3

their: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both views and presents a position, but the development of ideas lacks clarity and depth. The discussion of prison as a deterrent is mentioned but not fully explored, and the alternative of community service is only briefly touched upon with a weak example. The conclusion is somewhat vague. To improve, ensure each view is discussed in separate, well-developed paragraphs with specific reasons and examples. Also, clearly state your own opinion and support it with logical reasoning. Avoid informal language and minor grammatical errors (e.g., 'commited' should be 'committed').

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the flow is sometimes disrupted by informal phrasing (e.g., 'I would like to first start with') and abrupt transitions. The use of cohesive devices is basic, and some ideas could be linked more smoothly. To improve, use a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., 'On the one hand,' 'Furthermore,' 'In contrast') and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed logically.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is adequate for the task, with some good attempts at topic-specific terms (e.g., 'lawbreakers,' 'minor crimes,' 'local community'). However, there is repetition (e.g., 'lawbreakers' used multiple times) and some informal or imprecise choices (e.g., 'the place you absolutely do not want to be in'). To improve, expand your range of synonyms (e.g., 'offenders,' 'perpetrators,' 'criminals') and use more formal, precise language (e.g., 'deterrent effect' instead of 'make them think twice'). Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings (e.g., 'commited' should be 'committed,' 'i' should be 'I,' 'whilst i agree' should be 'whilst I agree'). Punctuation is inconsistent, with missing commas and run-on sentences. To improve, proofread carefully for spelling and capitalization errors, and practice using a variety of sentence structures (e.g., conditional sentences, relative clauses) with accurate punctuation.

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