Discussion

Band 5+: Some people think all lawbreakers should be put into/sent to prison, while others believe that better tanlents among those should be made to work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Several individuals believe all criminals should go to jail whilst other people argue that there are better substitutes for those whose crimeS are not serious, namely assisting individuals who have performed minor crimes to do some tasks for the local community. There are some reasonS that can explain these opinions; I agree with the latter perspective.

On the one hand, when they commit a crime, they violate one’s safety, so they must be punished lawfully so as to ensure fairness. Moreover, while they are in prison, they will lose some civil rights, such as the right to freedom of movement. Undoubtedly, they can understand the severe punishment that the court has convicted the criminals. Henceforth, it would be difficult for them to engage in recidivism after being released from the prison.

On the other hand, there are better alternative solutions for low-level offenders like community services – cleaning trash in parks, sweeping the streets, taking part in vocational-training classes and so on. These activities teach them to have more discipline and responsibility for the society as a whole. When those offenders perform public community services, there is a possibility that they become better since they feel more useful, and eventually, it would be hard to reoffend.

In my opinion, I totally agree with the latter statement. After being released from the prison, the ex-convicts usually face social discrimination; therefore, it would be difficult for them to rejoin the social community. Through allowing them to do community services, they gain more skills. For example, after finishing vocational-training classes, they could know how to repair four-wheel vehicles. These skills assist them to find a stable job and have enough money to live their lives.

In conclusion, there are those who consider the offenders should be in prison in order to ensure equality, whereas there are individuals whom they believe low-level-offending individuals should serve community services. Personally speaking, the second view is more possible and has more humanity.

Word Count: 325

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

there: 6

community: 6

individuals: 4

services: 4

should: 3

better: 3

those: 3

these: 3

prison: 3

would: 3

after: 3

offenders: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt. You have discussed both views and clearly stated your own opinion. The position is consistent throughout the response. However, to reach a higher band, the development of ideas needs more depth and precision. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the connection between losing civil rights and preventing recidivism could be more logically explained. In the second body paragraph, you mention that community service makes them 'feel more useful,' but this idea could be expanded with more specific reasoning. Additionally, ensure that your supporting examples are directly linked to the argument being made to avoid any lack of focus. Strengthening the logical progression between your premises and your conclusions will improve the overall impact of your argument.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing both sides, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Some cohesive devices are used somewhat mechanically (e.g., 'Henceforth', 'On the one hand'). To improve, focus on using a wider variety of linking words and ensuring that each sentence flows naturally into the next to create a more seamless argument.

Lexical Resource

You have used a range of topic-specific vocabulary such as 'recidivism', 'ex-convicts', and 'social discrimination'. However, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and word choice errors (e.g., 'the court has convicted the criminals' is used incorrectly in context, and 'more possible' is not the natural way to describe an opinion). Aim to use collocations more naturally and ensure that the words chosen fit the formal tone of an academic essay.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent and occasionally impede clarity. There are issues with subject-verb agreement, pluralization (e.g., 'some reasonS'), and sentence construction (e.g., 'individuals whom they believe...'). Pay close attention to article usage and the correct formation of relative clauses to improve the overall accuracy of your writing.

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