Discussion

Band 4+: Part 2: Some people believe that people who commit crimes should be sent to prison. However, others argue that there are better alternatives for minor crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, some people think that every person who break te rule should be sent to prison, while other think that based on he seriousness of the incident, there are better alternaties way for those who ommint minor crime to face the consequences of their acion. In my opionion, im half agree with both side, but im favor more in the second opinion

For those who think that all lawbreakers should be snt to prison, they say that it is the most effective way to punished those who dare to beak the laws, in there, they will be isolated from the outside world, will be taken away human right, they will have time to rethink of what have they done and remorse about it. Apart from that, they say that, if a person break the laws once, there definitely will be a second time, therefore, sent them to tpison are he easist way to prevenit it.

On the other hand,some people think that for those who just commit minor crime, prison is unnesscary since instead of make them learn the consequence, the toxic enviroment inside prison can change them into dangerous person in which they could even commit more crime whn they got out.Instead, activities like community work, teaching session, will not negatively affected them but actually made them realize their mistake,therefore they will know how to avoid it.

In conclusion, prison are not always the answer to punised those who break the laws, on the contary, it might even influence some people to even commit more crime in the future. Instead, there are alot of activities to help those who commit minor crime learn the right thin, therefore they will nevermake the same mistakes ever again.

Word Count: 286

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Overall Band Score

4.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

those: 6

prison: 5

crime: 5

think: 4

there: 4

commit: 4

people: 3

person: 3

break: 3

minor: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt. You have presented both viewpoints and provided a personal opinion. The main ideas are relevant, such as the idea of prison as a deterrent and the risk of prison turning minor offenders into hardened criminals. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited, and the progression of the argument could be more sophisticated. To improve, focus on the following: 1. **Depth of Argumentation**: Instead of just stating that community service helps people realize their mistakes, explain *how* it does so (e.g., by fostering a sense of social responsibility or allowing them to repay their debt to society). 2. **Clarity of Position**: While you stated you are 'half agree,' try to use more formal academic language to express a nuanced position, such as 'While prison serves as a necessary deterrent for serious offenses, I believe alternative punishments are more constructive for minor infractions.' 3. **Grammar and Accuracy**: There are frequent errors in spelling (e.g., 'tpison', 'ommint', 'unnesscary') and subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'person who break', 'prison are'). While these do not prevent understanding, improving accuracy will help elevate your score. 4. **Cohesion**: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link your ideas more smoothly between sentences and paragraphs.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs addressing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is sometimes hindered by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. To improve, focus on using more sophisticated cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore', 'Consequently', 'In contrast') and ensure that each sentence flows naturally into the next. Avoid repetitive sentence structures and ensure that the relationship between ideas is clearly established through proper punctuation.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is basic and often contains spelling errors (e.g., 'alternaties', 'ommint', 'tpison', 'unnesscary', 'thin'). While the writer attempts to use topic-specific words like 'remorse' and 'consequences', the frequent errors in spelling and word choice detract from the clarity of the message. To improve, work on expanding your academic vocabulary and practice spelling common words. Aim to use more precise synonyms to avoid repetition and to express complex ideas more accurately.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

There are significant grammatical issues throughout the essay, including subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'person who break', 'prison are'), incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'to punished', 'instead of make'), and issues with sentence structure (e.g., 'im half agree'). These errors occasionally make it difficult for the reader to follow the intended meaning. To improve, focus on mastering fundamental grammar rules such as tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and the correct use of gerunds and infinitives. Practicing complex sentence structures will also help increase your range, but ensure accuracy is prioritized first.

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