Opinion

Band 6+: Although family is a powerful influence on child's life,it is also influenced from outside the home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that in spite of a high influence of families on their childrens’ life,it it also affected by external factors.I totally agree with this statement as it is not only parents who occupy childs life,it is also public places and social media that plays a huge role in their social development.

One of the main reasons why factors outside of home take a huge part in childrens’ upbringing is that they seem to be outside of their houses more often than staying in there.Public places such as schools,kindergartens and additional study centres may affect their minds and attitude because they spend their time with peers and seem to be trying to look and act like other kids.For example,if someone is gathered by kids with bad attitude,they will change their communication qualities in an unfavourable way.Also teachers and coordinators might be role models for children because they are often used to copy adults way of communication.

Another reason why external upbringing seems to have a huge impact on childrens’ life is that social media has become popular and powerful nowadays.Many influencers and celebrities are favoured by children as they seem to show their routines and habits everyday.It is really influential because kids might want to follow them and implement celebrities type of communication in their lifes.It may be either beneficial or have a negative impact due to the reason that not every blogger is positive.

To conclude,some people believe that external influence play an essential role in childrens’ social development.I agree with this belief as nowadays public and media impact seems to be more common than parents effect on them.

Word Count: 271

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 8

childrens': 4

social: 4

external: 3

media: 3

because: 3

impact: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay appropriately addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement and presenting a clear position. The main ideas are relevant and supported with examples, such as the influence of public places and social media. However, there is a lack of precision in some supporting ideas, and the development could be more focused. For improvement, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that examples are more specific and fully explained. Additionally, proofread for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance clarity.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and minor lapses in logical progression. For example, the transition between the two main points could be smoother. To improve, use more varied linking words and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is fully developed.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is adequate for the task, with some attempts at less common words like 'influencers' and 'celebrities'. However, there are several errors in word choice and collocation, such as 'gathered by kids' and 'implement celebrities type of communication'. To improve, focus on using more precise and natural vocabulary, and avoid repetition of words like 'influence' and 'impact'. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains a number of grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement ('external influence play'), incorrect plural forms ('childrens', 'lifes'), and punctuation issues (missing commas). While some complex structures are attempted, they are not always accurate. To improve, review basic grammar rules, especially for plurals and verb tenses, and practice using a wider range of sentence structures correctly.

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