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Band 5+: Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs and other leisure activities. What are the harmful effects of such violent programs on children? What are the solutions for this problem?

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It is undeniable that violence in entertainment media for children such as TV, video games has been influencing children’s behaviors. This essay will discuss the effect of violence media which are increasing rude behavior and reducing concentration on children. Moreover, the solutions will be discussed which are limiting screen time and attending family activities and examples will be described in detail.

Due to the advancement of technologies, it is more convenient for children to access entertainment media compared to in the past. Violence media such as violent movies, gun shot video games as well as music is considered as a detrimental media to children. Children are in the process of development. With the consumption of harmful media, they easily get involved in harmful activities such as playing with guns, and adapt rude and impolite behavior to society. Furthermore, time consuming media will possibly affect children’s concentration. Children can spend their time playing on mobile devices without interacting with the surroundings. Consequently, without mobile devices, they could feel a lack of patience and cannot concentrate on daily life such as reading books and drawing. The use of violent media could affect life in the long term such as ADHD or depression. It is a growing concern that these mental disorders could be triggered by social media as well as aggressive media. Even though children could feel more comfortable spending time alone in the stimulation world, without feeling achievement from the media such as failure to win the game could give them a hopeless feeling which leads to mental disorders.

In order to reduce these problems, parents need to control their use of devices by limiting screen time and attending more family activities. Family plays a vital role in how children behave. With more time spent with family such as traveling, playing board games, or watching movies together, children will feel more affection from their family and achieve their basic needs which is love.

In conclusion, even though there is a growing of violence media for children’s leisure, families are still the first protection barrier for children. It is essential for parents to take care of children’s screen time and spend time with them.

Word Count: 362

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

media: 12

children: 10

family: 5

could: 5

violence: 4

children's: 4

which: 4

their: 4

games: 3

screen: 3

activities: 3

playing: 3

devices: 3

without: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt. You have clearly identified two effects (behavioral changes and lack of concentration/mental health issues) and provided two solutions (limiting screen time and increasing family interaction). The position is clear throughout the response. To improve your score, focus on the following: 1. **Depth of Development**: While you mention several effects (rude behavior, lack of concentration, ADHD, depression), some ideas are introduced very quickly without sufficient explanation of the causal link. For example, explaining *how* violent media specifically leads to a lack of patience would strengthen the argument. 2. **Cohesion and Coherence**: Some sentences feel slightly disconnected. Using more sophisticated cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next will help. For instance, the transition between 'rude behavior' and 'concentration' in the second paragraph could be smoother. 3. **Grammatical Precision**: There are minor errors in word choice and phrasing (e.g., 'violence media' should be 'violent media', and 'stimulation world' should be 'stimulating world'). Refining these will improve the overall academic tone of the essay.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing both parts of the prompt, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Some cohesive devices are used somewhat repetitively or mechanically. To improve, try to use a wider variety of linking words and ensure that each sentence flows naturally into the next to create a more seamless argument. The transition between the discussion of behavior and the discussion of mental health in the second paragraph is a bit abrupt.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is adequate to convey the message, and there is an attempt to use topic-specific terms like 'detrimental,' 'mental disorders,' and 'stimulation world.' However, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and word choice errors (e.g., 'violence media' instead of 'violent media,' 'gun shot video games,' and 'growing of violence media'). To reach a higher band, focus on using more natural collocations and ensuring that adjectives and nouns are used in their correct forms. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent and occasionally impede clarity. Issues include subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'violence media which are increasing'), improper use of articles, and awkward sentence constructions (e.g., 'without feeling achievement from the media such as failure to win the game could give them a hopeless feeling'). Work on mastering complex sentence structures and pay close attention to noun-adjective agreement and prepositional usage to improve overall accuracy.

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