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Band 4+: Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion #religion #

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For some people religion is a vital thing, which should be included by educational system. However, others prefer to avoid a religion. This essay will debate both of the statements.

The powerful for the first category is that religion shows a live path and improve a societies. If a student knows more about religion, student will live greater. Due to the fact that religion teachs how to behave properly and distance from negative stuffs, such as alcohol, smoking and drugs. Therefore, by having religion lessons, students will be able to enhance societies and lives in the future.

The reason why the opposition disagree is that people need to live as would like to. If students are exploring the religion, students will have to follow strict rules. Therefore, students can be less happier than could be. All of the parents want a freedom for children. Moreover, the second group also consider that religion must be taught at home. Hence, schools should not involve religion and keep avoiding, for more freedom of pupils

To sum up, the first group would like to have a religion in educational system, for improve a societies and make lives of students easier. However, the other category disagree, due to the fact that freedom is the key of happiness.

Word Count: 212

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
B2 - Upper Intermediate
Opt for even more advanced words when appropriate.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

religion: 10

students: 5

societies: 3

freedom: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both sides of the argument but lacks depth in the discussion. The points made are somewhat underdeveloped and could benefit from more elaboration and examples to support the arguments. Additionally, the opinion of the writer is not clearly stated in the conclusion. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

3.5

The essay lacks smooth transitions between ideas, making it slightly challenging to follow the flow of the argument. There is a need for better paragraph structuring to improve coherence. Consider using linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.

Lexical Resource

There is an attempt to use a range of vocabulary, but some words are used incorrectly or inappropriately. Work on expanding your vocabulary and using words in the right context. Additionally, aim for more precise and varied language to enhance the quality of your writing.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

3.5

There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, including issues with subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofreading carefully can help in identifying and correcting these errors. Additionally, work on using a wider range of sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.

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