Discussion

Band 5+: The rise of social media has allowed individuals to connect globally, but some argue that it also promotes superficial relationships and reduces real-world interactions. Others believe that social media fosters community and provides valuable networking opportunities. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

Technological advancement has revolutionised modern socities. Some people believe that the prevalent use of digital networks has weaken the realtionships. Others argue that it has had a significant benefit in connecting us with our loved ones beside the distance. I firmly believe that social media has streamlined our lives by making it convenient.

On the one hand, some believe that social media comes with considerable amount of distraction. This is because distinct platforms not only offers connecting with your friends and families but also showcases entertaintment. This can be distraction as individuals spends their leisure time scrolling newsfeed, watching tiktoks. For instance, people who stay in the same house depend on online messages to talk to each other instead of communicating face to face. As a result, it erodes the bond and it creates a gap between families.

On the other hand, some argue that it digital platforms has made it accesble for them to connect with their parents and children living far from home. This is because most of the children usually go abroad for higher studies and with the help of digital apps like: facebook, instagram and whatsApp parents are able to connect with their children. For example, if there’s a finacial crisis in the family, parents are able to connect with their child in a second. As a result, the family stays connected beside the distance fostering a strong relation between the families.

From my perspective, it has made our daily lives convenient not just by cultivating stronger bonds with our family as a large number of students living abroad misses festival but they are able to connect through digital platforms making them feel home and connected. In a broader perspective, individuals do not have to travel for a metting as it can be hold conveniently from any place.

Word Count: 302

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Overall Band Score

5.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

digital: 4

their: 4

connect: 4

believe: 3

platforms: 3

parents: 3

children: 3

family: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses both views and presents a clear position, but the development of ideas is somewhat limited and lacks precision. The first body paragraph discusses distraction and reduced face-to-face communication, but the example is not fully extended. The second body paragraph is more developed, with a relevant example about families connecting across distances. The conclusion is brief and introduces a new point about work meetings, which is not fully explored. To improve, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, provide more specific examples and elaboration, and maintain a consistent focus on personal relationships throughout. Also, proofread for grammatical errors and spelling mistakes to enhance clarity.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion presenting the writer's opinion. However, the flow is sometimes disrupted by abrupt transitions and unclear referencing. For example, the introduction states the writer's opinion but does not clearly outline the essay's structure. The body paragraphs could be better linked with cohesive devices, and the conclusion could more explicitly summarize the discussed views before stating the final opinion. Additionally, some sentences are long and convoluted, making the message harder to follow. To improve, use clearer topic sentences, ensure each paragraph has a single main idea, and employ a range of linking words and phrases to guide the reader.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts at less common words (e.g., 'revolutionised', 'prevalent', 'erodes', 'fostering'). However, there are several inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. For instance, 'weaken the realtionships' should be 'weakened relationships', 'beside the distance' is not idiomatic (better: 'despite the distance'), and 'entertaintment' is misspelled. The phrase 'streamlined our lives by making it convenient' is vague and could be more precise. To improve, focus on using precise and natural collocations, and proofread for spelling and word choice errors. Expanding vocabulary related to technology and relationships would also enhance the response. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains a variety of sentence structures, but there are numerous grammatical errors that impede understanding. Examples include subject-verb agreement ('has weaken' should be 'has weakened', 'individuals spends' should be 'individuals spend'), incorrect verb forms ('it can be hold' should be 'it can be held'), and missing articles ('a considerable amount of distraction' should be 'a considerable amount of distraction' is acceptable, but 'a finacial crisis' should be 'a financial crisis'). Punctuation is also inconsistent, with missing commas and incorrect use of colons. To improve, review basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and article usage. Practicing writing with attention to accuracy and seeking feedback on common errors will help build grammatical control.

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