Opinion

Band 5+: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and poorest members. What extent do you agree and disagree with?

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It is widely considered that the main indicator of a happy country is social equality. This essay completely disagrees with this statement.

Setting an equal system of salary can lead to a great catastrophy in economy of country. Firstly, the competitiveness and striving to accepting to a best university, and pursuing a degree to be a qualified worker will be destroyed. For example, in the 20th century, the USSR have had a socialistic system of economy and as a result their citizens’ well-being was considered as worse than European countries where, the diversity in salary took place, which is resulted that the Europian countries were happier by 61% than countries in USSR union.

To set a happy country firstly, we should to work with psychology of society. The reason that one country considers itself as a contented country and another unhappy is work of propogators. For example, in Kazakhstan populists blame rich people from the state that they are not completing their job properly and blame them for the corruption, low salary and high tax and arouse the interest of nation to uprise for rebellion. As a result, people tend to mislead, considering themselves as a poorest, unhappy nation.

In conclusion, I support the idea of having a salary difference among the citizens and banning the populistic movements to not to fall people for their words. I would suggest that people aim to seek to build a best life, be competitive and not blame others for their well-being, and set together happy nation together.

Word Count: 254

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

country: 5

salary: 4

their: 4

people: 4

happy: 3

countries: 3

blame: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the main parts of the prompt and presents a position. However, the ideas, while relevant, lack clarity and sufficient development. The example of the USSR is relevant but could be more effectively linked to the argument. The second paragraph introduces the idea of propaganda but needs further explanation to demonstrate its impact on societal happiness in relation to income inequality. To improve, focus on providing clearer explanations and more concrete examples to support your claims. Ensure that each paragraph directly addresses the prompt and strengthens your overall argument.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay's structure is somewhat clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the connections between ideas within paragraphs are not always smooth, and the overall argument could be more logically developed. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs need improvement to enhance the flow of the essay. For example, the link between the USSR example and the main argument could be clearer. Consider using more explicit transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your reasoning.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. While the vocabulary used is generally relevant to the topic, there is a lack of precision and sophistication. The word choice is sometimes inaccurate (e.g., 'accepting to a best university'). To improve, focus on learning synonyms and using more precise language. Pay attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions to make your writing sound more natural.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb tenses, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward sentence structures. These errors frequently impede understanding. For example, 'Setting an equal system of salary can lead to a great catastrophy' contains multiple errors. Focus on mastering basic grammar rules and sentence structures. Proofread carefully for errors in tense, agreement, and word order. Consider seeking feedback from a language tutor or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors.

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