Opinion

Band 6+: SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT GOVERNMENT SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO ILLNESS AND DISEASES, HOWEVER OTHER SAY GOVERNMENT SHOULD FOCUS ON AIR POLLUTION AND HOUSING. TO WHAT EXTEND DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE

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There is an ongoing debate weather the authorities ought to emphasize on illnesses and diseases or to pay attention to air pollution and housing. Although, both sides have valid arguments, I agree with the latter opinion.

On the one hand, to ensure the overall health condition of population is one of the main responsibilities of the Government. Every year, millions of people suffer from serious medical conditions such as heart diseases , cancer and infectious illnesses. Therefore , some people think that the Authority people should invest more money on hospitals , medical equipment and health care professional to ensure that citizens receive proper treatment. As a result , people may live longer and healthier and it can reduce mortality rates. Thus , investing heavily on illnesses and diseases seems reasonable in the long run.

On the other hand, others argue that the government should focus on reducing air pollution and building better housing for citizens. To explain this, bad air conditions may result in several illnesses such as respiratory diseases, asthma, and various lung conditions. By reducing air pollution ,the governments can improve public health significantly. Similarly, poor housing conditions, such as overcrowding, dampness, and inadequate sanitation, can increase the spread of disease and negatively affect people’s well-being. Therefore , the idea of paying attention on air pollution and housing make much sense.

In my opinion, governments should continue to support health care services , greater emphasize should be on air pollution and housing conditions. These measures help to tackle the causes of diseases and can provide long term benefits for both individuals and society. A healthy environment helps prevent illnesses before they occur, reducing the need for expensive medical intervention.

In conclusion , Although investing in health care is important for treating illnesses and saving lives, governments should pay more attention to air pollution and housing conditions because as prevention is generally more effective than cure.

Word Count: 318

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Overall Band Score

6.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

illnesses: 6

pollution: 6

housing: 6

conditions: 6

diseases: 5

health: 5

should: 5

people: 4

attention: 3

medical: 3

reducing: 3

governments: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. You have clearly presented a position - that while medical care is important, focusing on environmental and living conditions is a more effective preventative strategy - and you have maintained this stance throughout the response. The ideas are well-developed, with logical connections between air/housing quality and public health outcomes. To reach a higher score, ensure that the transition between the discussion of the two sides and your own opinion is even more seamless. Additionally, while the development is strong, you could further strengthen the argument by briefly acknowledging the potential tension between these two priorities (e.g., budget allocation) to show a more nuanced understanding of the complexity of the issue.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay is logically organized with a clear progression of ideas. You have used paragraphing effectively to separate the different viewpoints and your own opinion. However, there are some minor issues with cohesive devices. For example, starting a sentence with 'Although' followed by a comma is grammatically incorrect in this context; 'Although' should introduce a subordinate clause within a sentence. Additionally, ensure that transitions between sentences feel natural rather than repetitive (e.g., using 'Therefore', 'Thus', and 'As a result' in close proximity). To improve, focus on using a wider variety of linking words and ensuring they are used with correct punctuation.

Lexical Resource

You demonstrate a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'respiratory diseases', 'inadequate sanitation', and 'medical intervention'. The meaning is always clear. To reach a higher band, aim for more sophisticated collocations and avoid minor errors in word choice or preposition usage (e.g., 'emphasize on' should be 'emphasize' or 'place emphasis on', and 'pay attention on' should be 'pay attention to'). Using more precise academic synonyms would also enhance the lexical quality. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

You use a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, which allows you to convey your arguments effectively. However, there are several grammatical inaccuracies that prevent a higher score. These include subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'the idea... make much sense' should be 'makes'), errors in noun plurality (e.g., 'health care professional' should be 'professionals'), and some awkward phrasing in the opinion paragraph. Pay close attention to sentence structure when combining ideas to avoid run-on sentences or fragments. Improving your control over articles and prepositions will also help increase your accuracy.

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