Opinion

Band 6+: The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

Owing the problems which obesity caused for government and society, it is argued that increasing number of sport classes in school can be a suitable solution. This essay strongly agrees with such an approach because having a regularly fitness routine can contribute to reduce obesity and it can lead to improving individual’s mental health.

Modern societies are facing the issue of fatness and having a light daily exercise routine will decrease the chance of weight-related illness exposure. In many schools and institutes pupils are flooded with many theoretical courses and they do not have adequate time to exercise. Therefore, they are facing countless health issues and having a daily short physical activity in the morning can prevent these illnesses. For instance, in Japan many educational departments force students to have a thirty minutes daily exercise in the morning.

Another key consideration is individuals’ mental health. Overeating because of anxiety and stress is a widespread issue in vast majority of students and on the other hand, obesity itself contributes to countless mental issues. To tackle these issues, educational institutions have to increase physical educations and motivate students to play disparate sports which can be fun and entertaining. To give a clear example, students who play team sport such as soccer and basketball, can build new friendships which can protect them from mental illnesses.

In conclusion, expanding the number of physical education lessons in schools is an effective strategy for reducing obesity and improving students’ mental health.

Word Count: 245

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

mental: 5

obesity: 4

students: 4

which: 3

having: 3

daily: 3

exercise: 3

health: 3

issues: 3

physical: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position. The ideas are relevant and supported with examples. However, there could be more focus and precision in developing the supporting ideas. To improve, ensure that each point is thoroughly explained and directly linked back to the main argument. Consider providing more specific details and evidence to strengthen your claims. The essay falls short of the required 250 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay demonstrates a generally clear progression of ideas, but the connections between some sentences and paragraphs could be strengthened. Consider using more varied cohesive devices to improve the flow and clarity of your arguments. For example, in the second paragraph, explicitly linking the lack of exercise to the rise in health issues would enhance coherence. Also, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single, well-defined idea to improve paragraphing.

Lexical Resource

The essay uses an adequate range of vocabulary, but there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance the impact of your arguments. For example, instead of 'having a regularly fitness routine,' consider 'engaging in regular physical activity.' Expanding your vocabulary and using more specific terms will improve the sophistication of your writing. Also, avoid informal language. Pay attention to vocabulary repetition to improve the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors occasionally impede clarity. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and correct tense usage. For example, 'Owing the problems which obesity caused' is grammatically incorrect and should be revised. Proofreading carefully for these errors will improve your grammatical accuracy.

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