Opinion

Band 6+: Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

A lot of countries adopt a mandatory military service for school graduates, especially for men, and would be a good decision for other nations to establish this system for both genders. I strongly disagree because this regulation might decrease the opportunity to jump into a higher education stage and some countries are not capable to adopt this rule.

To begin with, adapting this system might reduce the chance of teenagers entering university directly after finishing school. This situation might decrease their productivity because they need to keep up with what they have missed right after completing their service. For instance, many military service will be finished within months or years and this duration will postponed the opportunity to become a university student. As a result, they will need more time that may be unpredictable to adapt with the current life situation and this might be an issue for some individuals.

Another supporting reason is not every country has a compatible human resources for the improvement of the defense system. Some people are not made to jump to into the violent field and will do much better in an academical environment. For example, a country with less than 20 million population will have bigger chance to survive in this emerging modern society if they have the ability to adapt through knowledge of different aspects. Therefore, defense system is the military obligation and ordinary people are only responsible to improve the welfare of society through educational ways.

In conclusion, establishing a rule to obligate school graduates to complete military service might not be an effective regulation for some countries due to the lack of competent human resources and may reduce the educational chance for a lot of individuals.

Word Count: 286

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C2 - Complex
Continue to challenge and refine your language choices.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

might: 5

military: 4

service: 4

system: 4

countries: 3

school: 3

chance: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt and presents a clear position throughout the response. The writer provides two distinct reasons for disagreeing with the statement: the disruption of educational progression and the potential mismatch between national needs and human resource allocation. To improve the score, the development of ideas could be more precise. In the first body paragraph, the connection between 'postponing university' and 'decreasing productivity' could be more logically explained to avoid ambiguity. In the second body paragraph, the argument regarding population size and 'knowledge of different aspects' is a bit vague; more specific reasoning on how mandatory service specifically harms a small nation's ability to compete through knowledge would strengthen the point. Additionally, ensuring more consistent grammatical accuracy (e.g., 'many military service' should be 'much military service' or 'many periods of military service') would enhance the overall quality.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The progression of ideas is logical; however, the transitions between sentences could be smoother. Some cohesive devices are used, but they occasionally feel repetitive or slightly mechanical. To improve, try using a wider variety of linking words and ensure that each sentence flows naturally into the next to create a more seamless argument.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used is adequate to convey the main ideas, and there is an attempt to use topic-specific language (e.g., 'mandatory military service', 'human resources', 'defense system'). However, there are several instances of imprecise word choices and awkward phrasing, such as 'jump into a higher education stage', 'jump to into the violent field', and 'academical environment'. Aim to use more natural collocations and academic synonyms to enhance the sophistication of your writing.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent enough to occasionally hinder the reader's flow. Issues include subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'many military service will be finished'), incorrect preposition usage, and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'this duration will postponed'). Pay close attention to verb tenses, noun countability, and the correct use of articles to improve accuracy.

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