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Band 4+: Task 1 - Exercise: Write only Introduction and Overall paragraphs for the graph below

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The image contains a table displaying the worldwide market share of notebook computer manufacturers for the years 2006 and 2007. In 2006, HP had 31.4%, Dell 16.6%, Acer 11.6%, Toshiba 6.2%, Lenovo 6.6%, Fujitsu-Siemens 4.8%, and Others 22.8%. In 2007, HP increased to 34%, Dell decreased to 20.2%, Acer declined to 10.7%, Toshiba rose to 7.3%, Lenovo remained at 6.2%, Fujitsu-Siemens dropped to 2.3%, and Others reduced to 19.3%. The total market share for each year remains 100%.

Given the complexity of the image, the above description may not be entirely accurate.

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The table below ashows a detailed worlwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007.

The table covers a wide range of computer companies and it is evident that Fuijutsi-Siemens had the lowest market share in 2006. Additional, there was a decline in market share in the subsequent year making them the bottom computer company 2 years in a row

On the other hand, HP computer company had the highest market share which made them top the market share chart and still maintained same position the next year.

Dell had a significant increase in market share as compared to other companies, while some companies like toshiba and lenovo had fluctuated market share.

Word Count: 119

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Overall Band Score

4.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

market: 8

share: 7

computer: 4

companies: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The introduction is adequate but could be more concise. The overview paragraph attempts to summarize key trends but contains inaccuracies (e.g., Dell's market share decreased, not increased). To improve, ensure the overview accurately reflects the main trends and significant changes in the data. Focus on providing a clear and accurate summary of the overall trends. The report falls short of the required 150 words.

Coherence & Cohesion

The introduction is somewhat clear but could be more concise. The overview paragraph attempts to summarize key trends but lacks clear organization and contains some inaccuracies. For example, the report mentions Dell had a significant increase, but the data shows a decrease. Improve the flow by focusing on the most significant changes and trends, and ensure accuracy in representing the data. Consider using more precise language to highlight overall increases, decreases, and stability in market share.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary is adequate but could be more precise and varied. The report uses terms like 'market share,' 'decline,' and 'fluctuated,' which are relevant. However, there's room to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to describe the changes and market positions more effectively. For instance, instead of 'bottom computer company,' consider using 'lowest market share' or 'trailing manufacturer.' Also, avoid informal language.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The report contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity. For example, 'ashows' should be 'shows,' and there are issues with subject-verb agreement and sentence structure throughout the overview paragraph. Focus on improving sentence construction and ensuring correct verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Proofreading carefully for these errors will enhance the report's readability and credibility.

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Overall Band Score

Task Response

Coherence & Cohesion

Lexical Resource

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

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