Opinion

Band 6+: Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

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Despite the considerable improvement in healthcare, the total level of health in developed nations is currently declining. This essay will aim to discover the reasons behind and suggest some possible solutions to tackle this issue.

There are several reasons why the overall standard of health in many developed countries is currently reducing. First, in this digital era, many people spend most of their time sitting in front of screens such as computers for working, televisions for entertaining, etc, leading to a sedentary lifestyle. As a result, this lifestyle can contribute to the increase in the disease rate like obesity, autism, etc. Another factor that can lead to this trend is the surge in consuming fast food. In this modern day, people spend most of their time working and studying, so having a home meal is quite a luxury for them. Because of that, available meals are the top priority as they help them save a lot of time and effort. However, fast food contains a large amount of fat and cholesterol, which is the main cause of obesity and heart disease.

There are many solutions to solve these problems. First of all, governments play a crucial role in encouraging people to work out more as they can allocate public funds to build parks and upgrade sports equipment. They can also raise people’s awareness about the importance of work-life balance so that people can allocate their time to working and exercising, contributing to a healthier community. Additionally, schools can contribute to the prevention of failing levels of total health as they can add more exercise lessons on the curriculums and teach students more methods to protect their health. This is exemplified by some schools in Japan often encourage their students to eat more vegetables and fruits by using short comics to teach them about healthy eating habits.

In conclusion, it is clear that the decline in overall standard of physical and mental health in developed countries is mainly caused by the sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits. To solve this problem, governments, schools should encourage people to exercise regularly and follow healthier diets.

Word Count: 352

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Overall Band Score

6.5

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

health: 5

people: 5

their: 5

developed: 3

working: 3

lifestyle: 3

schools: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay appropriately addresses the main parts of the prompt by identifying reasons for declining physical health and suggesting solutions. A clear position is presented throughout. However, some supporting ideas lack precision (e.g., mentioning 'autism' as a result of sedentary lifestyle is not accurate) and the development could be more focused. To improve, ensure all examples are relevant and accurate, and consider extending the discussion of solutions with more specific, practical measures. Additionally, avoid minor repetition and strive for more precise vocabulary.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are logically organized, and the use of cohesive devices like 'First', 'Another factor', 'First of all', 'Additionally', and 'In conclusion' helps guide the reader. However, there are some minor lapses in coherence, such as the abrupt shift from discussing obesity to autism without clear connection, and the phrase 'the prevention of failing levels of total health' is awkwardly phrased. To improve, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly from one idea to the next and that all examples are clearly linked to the main point.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, including terms like 'sedentary lifestyle', 'surge in consuming fast food', 'allocate public funds', and 'work-life balance'. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings, such as 'the disease rate like obesity, autism, etc.' (autism is not typically linked to diet or exercise in this context), 'available meals are the top priority' (unclear meaning), and 'the prevention of failing levels of total health' (unnatural phrasing). To improve, focus on using more precise and natural collocations, and avoid vague or incorrect examples. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, such as 'Despite the considerable improvement...' and 'This is exemplified by...'. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions, including 'the increase in the disease rate like obesity, autism, etc.' (incorrect use of 'like' and inappropriate example), 'having a home meal is quite a luxury for them' (awkward phrasing), and 'governments, schools should encourage...' (missing conjunction or punctuation). Punctuation is generally appropriate, but some sentences are run-on or lack clarity. To improve, proofread carefully for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure variety.

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Band 6+: Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

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Essays On The Same Topic:

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

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Young people committing crimes should be treated the same as adults by the authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, the gap between the rich and the poor is widening. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to reduce the gap?

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Check Your Own Essay On This Topic?

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