Discussion

Band 6+: Serious violent crimes among people who are under 18 are becoming more common. Some people think that children who commit serious crimes should be treated like adults, while others would say that they should be rehabilitated. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Note: Both the topic and the essay were created by one of our users.

More and more violent crimes are being commited by children. While some people consider that under-18 criminals should be judged the same as adults, I believe that they must be judged separately and have a chance for rehabilitation.

On the one hand, treating young criminals like they are adults might have substantial meaning to the victims side. When people encounter serious crimes towards their loved ones, they strongly oppose the idea of forgiving the crime. They often claim that adolescents are able to carry out crimes that are even more violent than those commited by adults. For example, some surveys showed that 92% of victims demand justice, regardless of the age of a criminal. They explained this by the fact that they do not suffer less depending on how old is a criminal. However, i believe that the age of a person who carried out the crime must be taken into consideration.

On the other hand, teenagers are not developed enough to take responsibility for their actions. Teenage brain often diminishes most external factors and fails to reason certain actions. By other means, children do not always understand what are they doing at full extension and can not be aware of their next step. For instance, Oxford University researches demonstrated that teenagers reach maturity and consciousness only by their 18s

which also means that young offencers need special attitude apart from adults.

In conclusion, although treating young criminals with the same attitude as with adults might temporarily isolate them from committing more offences, i believe that rehabilitating children can entirely root out their anti-social behaviour and significantly impact the global scale of the crimes.

Word Count: 274

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Overall Band Score

(+/- 0.5)

Vocabulary Complexity:
C1 - Intricate
Strive to incorporate even richer and more precise language.

Grammar Mistakes: N/A

Vocabulary Repetition:

their: 5

crimes: 4

adults: 4

children: 3

criminals: 3

believe: 3

young: 3

Try using synonyms for the above words

Task Response

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing both viewpoints and providing a clear personal opinion. The position is consistent throughout the response. However, to reach a higher band, the development of ideas needs more depth and precision. For example, in the first body paragraph, the argument regarding the victims' perspective is presented, but the transition to your own opinion is somewhat abrupt. In the second body paragraph, the explanation of brain development is a good attempt at support, but the phrasing 'diminishes most external factors' and 'at full extension' is imprecise and slightly obscures the intended meaning. Suggestions for improvement: 1. Strengthen the logical links between sentences to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. 2. Use more precise academic vocabulary when discussing psychological or biological concepts (e.g., instead of 'diminishes most external factors,' use 'are more susceptible to external influences' or 'lack impulse control'). 3. Ensure that the conclusion more explicitly summarizes the main arguments used in the body paragraphs to reinforce the overall position.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs addressing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Some cohesive devices are used slightly incorrectly (e.g., 'By other means' instead of 'In other words'), which can disrupt the flow. To improve, focus on using a wider variety of linking words and ensuring that each sentence logically follows the previous one to create a seamless argument.

Lexical Resource

You have used some good topic-specific vocabulary, such as 'rehabilitation,' 'anti-social behaviour,' and 'substantial meaning.' However, there are several instances of imprecise word choices and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'at full extension,' 'diminishes most external factors,' and 'special attitude'). To reach a higher band, aim for more natural collocations and ensure that your word choices precisely convey your intended meaning. Boost vocabulary complexity to elevate the overall score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent and occasionally impede clarity. Issues include subject-verb agreement, incorrect word order in indirect questions (e.g., 'what are they doing' instead of 'what they are doing'), and capitalization errors (e.g., 'i' instead of 'I'). Additionally, there are errors in preposition usage and article usage. I recommend focusing on sentence structure accuracy and proofreading your work to catch minor errors in punctuation and capitalization.

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